Valentine’s day is just around the corner and I’m here to help you. Here’s a list of ideas and suggestions that you can try out this year, under one condition…you report back on your results. Good or bad. Let’s help each other out and get through this season!

Romance and money scale:

	the equivalent of a firm handshake		less than $10
	a kiss on the cheek		less than $50
	happiness		less than $100
	journal worthy		less than $500
	Va va va voom!		more than $500

The Classics

1. Card. Hallmark.
   Pros: Minimum expectation met.
   Cons: Low impact.
   Hot Tip: Buy 2 cards – one that’s romantic, one that’s funny. Copy romantic prose into funny card for maximum effect.
2. Chocolates. Box. 2 Tiers.
   Pros: Who doesn’t like chocolates?
   Cons: Guilt inducing calories. Potential allergic reaction to nuts.
   Hot Tip: Choose fewer higher quality chocolates.
3. Flowers. Dozen roses. Long stem.
   Pros: The safe and easy play.
   Cons: Says I thought of you, but not that much.
   Hot Tip: Secretly discover your Valentine’s favorite flower and opt for that.
4. Dinner. Out and about for some grub.
   Pros: No cooking at home, no cleanup, no kids, and a nice meal.
   Cons: Busy night for restaurants so potential for long waits.
   Hot Tip: Restaurant selection is key – make it special one. Make reservations if possible.
5. Jewelry. Nothing says hubba hubba like jewels.
   Pros: The gift that keeps on giving.
   Cons: You’re limited to your ability to choose what your valentine will like.
   Hot Tip: Go for quality. A big fat diamond that you can barely see through doesn’t compare to a smaller, but brilliant diamond.

Activities

The key thing to remember during any activity is to take it slow and enjoy your time together. Rushing around isn’t romantic.

1. Horse Drawn Carriage Ride. Tour around old school style in a horse drawn carriage.
   Pros: Interesting and different.
   Cons: Two words: Horse Farts.
   Hot Tip: If possible, pre-pay to avoid ruining the mood with a financial transaction at the end of the ride. Just hop off the carriage arm-in-arm to your next destination.
2. Slow walk. Go for a leisurely stroll somewhere nice – a park, beach or your local babbling brook.
   Pros: Free.
   Cons: Weather may not be appropriate.
   Hot Tip: Combine walk with a coffee, hot chocolate or ice cream.
3. Massage. Book a massage to relax and release tension.
   Pros: You’ll both feel a million times better.
   Cons: May cause embarrassment for your valentine if they’re self conscious of their body.
   Hot Tip: Avoid a therapeutic or deep tissue massage. While these have their place in remedying aches and pains, they can be painful which might put a damper on the mood.

Funny

There are 2 audiences for funniness – you and your valentine. Rule Number One: Make sure any attempts at funniness are guaranteed to be appreciated by your valentine otherwise you may not need to read this list next year!

1. Cupid Costume. Dress up as cupid and shoot your valentine with a soft plush arrow.
   Pros: High potential for funniness.
   Cons: Costume might not be obvious and it just ends up looking weird.
   Hot Tip: Wear a “cupid” nametag to make costume obvious.
2. Singing Telegram. Hire someone to sing a Valentine’s day ditty.
   Pros: You’re not the one singing.
   Cons: Your valentine may become embarrassed which violates Rule Number One stated above.
   Hot Tip: Verify song before delivery. Sir Mix-a-Lot – Baby Got Back may not be appreciated (again, see Rule Number One above).

Thoughtful

1. Love Notes. Tear up a piece of paper into inch by inch squares…you’ll end up with a lot of pieces (over 50). On each piece, write down the things you like about your valentine. Hide each piece in a spot where they will be discovered. Pros: Lots of compliments coming from the heart.
   Cons: Can you think of over 50 nice things to say?
   Hot Tip: Throw in an unexpected note every once in a while such as trivia about the Eiffel tower or a marriage proposal. Your call.
2. Candlelit Dinner. Show off your inner chef.
   Pros: You can take it slow.
   Cons: Timing all dishes to be ready at the right time without getting stressed.
   Hot Tip: Serve 3 (or more) courses to make it different from the usual eating at home. Also, serve a cool appetizer and dessert to simplify timing.

Big Spender

1. Weekend in Paris. Whisk your valentine off to Paris for a romantic getaway.
   Pros: Memorable and you’ll have enough Brownie points to get you through the year.
   Cons: Not so romantic if you live in Paris.
   Hot Tip: Don’t tell your valentine where you’re going until you check in at the airport. Be sure to have valid passports. Let your valentine know you’ll be gone for the weekend.
2. Hot Air Balloon Ride. Hang out with the birds for a while.
   Pros: Memorable.
   Cons: Potential need for barf bag.
   Hot Tip: Find out if your valentine is scared of heights before booking.

See also:

10 Ways You Can Add A Spark to Your Relationship Today

Valentine’s Day: Ideas and Suggestions is a post from: Serene Journey

We all feel that way sometimes when things don’t go our way or it seems like the universe is aligning against us. We look at others and they appear to have it so easy and everything just falls into their lap without them even trying. It’s so unfair.

Okay. Maybe it does suck and maybe it is unfair but you have a choice on how to react to what’s happening in your life. It’s usually not immediately obvious that you have a choice and you’ll probably disagree with me at first, but you do actually have a choice. 

Our story

Last year we went through very stressful times when selling our house. We had built a new house in a newer suburb and lived there for two years before realizing we didn’t really like the area. We decided we wanted to downsize, return to the town where we both grew up and all before our eldest son entered school. This gave us nearly 5 years to make the move but with the property market being so hot we decided not to wait.

In the weeks before we listed our home it wasn’t uncommon for a house to be sold within hours of going on the market, often for ridiculous amounts. Buyers needed to make offers well above the asking price just to have their offer even considered. Good news right? Well, we missed that peak by 2 weeks. When we listed there were no buyers. Almost overnight, none of the houses in our neighborhood were selling. And that’s when I was laid off.

The company I worked for had to significantly reduce their workforce in order to keep afloat and I was one of the chosen ones to be let go. We were also going to lose Sherri’s income as her maternity leave benefits were about to run out and she also wouldn’t be earning an income any time soon. She was pregnant with our next little lad, so no maternity leave this time. That would leave us with no income. Zilch, zero, nil, none.

There’s never a good time to be laid off…but this one truly couldn’t have come at a worse time. Would the bank still give us a mortgage for the new house if I wasn’t employed? Doubtful.

So how would you respond to this situation? Would you be angry? Resentful? What would your parting message be to the company and the remaining employees?

My choice

Here’s my parting email (slight changes underlined to protect identity)

Hi (CompanyName-)imians,

It’s with great regret that I must inform you that you will no longer be enjoying the privilege of my company. I feel for you as I would hate to be without me too but I’m lucky enough to be wherever I go.

Kidding aside (yes that was my attempt at humor) I wish all of you the best in the future. I hope that with these changes you’ll all find the success you deserve. You’re a great bunch of people and I’ll miss you all.

My personal email address is gwynn.serenejourney@gmail.com in case you wanna get a hold of me.

Cheers,
Gwynn

PS. I’ll probably sucker someone into arranging a lunch sometime next week to say a final goodbye.

So what was the outcome?

Well first of all, I felt great writing this email. It felt good to find a way to be positive and to try cheer people up in an otherwise stressful situation. The people who weren’t laid off felt good reading the message and all responded so positively, that I was really touched. They felt guilty for not being laid off and were relieved to see that I was taking it so well. And then something unexpected happened. 

People were jumping at the opportunity to help me find a new position. There was such a huge response that I actually had to turn down help because I was overloaded with applications and interviews. Within a few weeks I had found another position with a more stable company doing much better work.

We sold our house within 8 weeks of listing and were glad to get out. The bank was okay with the fact I was in a new position and on probation because I was still working in the same field. Our new house is older, smaller, and farther from work but we’re so much happier back in our old neighborhood. And now we have a pool! Woo-hoo!

So everything turned out really well in the end, but I wonder what would have happened had I chose to not send that email. How differently would things have turned out had I chose to send an angry parting email?

Sometimes life just sucks. Sometimes it feels like it’s picking on you. But from this experience I’ve learned that how you choose to react to a situation makes all the difference in the world. The outcome may not be perfect, but it’s a lot better than the alternative.

If you’ve been affected by the downturn in the economy or housing crisis the experience I wrote about here may hit really close to home. My heart goes out to you as it’s a terribly stressful experience and I don’t want to belittle what you’re going through. How you handle your own situation is up to you–the point I’m making is that in our situation I received the unexpected (but welcomed) benefit of people helping us out as a direct result of reacting to the situation in a positive way. 

See also:

Grab the Reins and Enjoy Your Life

How To Be The Person You Want To Be

Don’t Worry, Be Happy!

Stand Your Ground, But Only On The Important Stuff

Photo courtesy of: orangejack

Life Sucks And Then You Choose is a post from: Serene Journey

The short story The Three Questions by Leo Tolstoy has 3 questions posed and I’m willing to bet that you’ll get 1 answer right and 2 wrong. The questions are:

1. When is the most important time?
2. Who is the most important person?
3. What is the most important thing you can do?

When is the most important time?

If you answered “now”, then you are right. It’s not the past; it’s not the future, but right here right now.

Why now? The past is just a memory. There’s nothing you can do to change what has already happened. It’s done, it’s over, it’s gone and there is no getting it back.

The future is just an idea. It’s your prediction of what’s going to happen and sometimes your prediction is right and sometimes it isn’t. The problem with the future is it’s just an idea that you can become attached to and when things don’t work out as planned you feel a sense of loss as “this wasn’t the way things were supposed to happen.”

That leaves us with now. This very hour, minute, second is all we really have. It’s the most important time and it’s where you can have an impact. The past is just a ghost of a memory and the future is simply an idea.

I’m guessing this is the question you got right.

Who is the most important person?

Most people will answer that the most important person is me, my spouse, or my kids. I’m afraid I disagree with those answers.

The most important person is the person you are with. When you’re in a meeting with your boss, she’s the most important person. When you’re in a cab, the driver is the most important person. When you’re with your kids, they are the most important. Alone with your spouse, she’s the most important. And when you are sitting alone by yourself, you guessed it, YOU are the most important person.

Got that one wrong? How about this one:

What is the most important thing you can do?

The most important thing you can do is to care. Care about your boss — she’s a real person and someone at home loves her very much. Care about your cab driver — he may be saving a friend’s life tomorrow. Care about your kids — they will one day be raising their own kids with the all the skills you give them today. Care about your spouse — they’re standing by you despite your flaws and weaknesses.

The most important time is now, the most important person is the person you are with, and the most important thing you can do is to care.

Life has no guarantees and we have no idea of how the future will play out. The people you are interacting with now may be saving your life in 10 minutes time, they may be the last people you will ever see. How do you want to act in the last moments of your life? Alternatively, maybe they are the next to go, how do you want to act with them in the last moments of their life? It may sound morbid but we are all here for a very short time and we may not know when or how but eventually we will all go.

The past is gone, the future is undefined, but this very minute is yours to enjoy. How are you spending it? Are you reading this article when you should be apologizing or saying “I love you” to someone? Should you be making steps to getting out of debt or taking time for yourself?

What should you be doing with this gift of time? This very hour, minute, second.

See Also:
Love Is A Verb
Tips To Enjoy Life
Stand Your Ground, But Only On The Important Stuff

Other references:
Who Ordered This Truckload of Dung?: Inspiring Stories for Welcoming Life’s Difficulties

Photo courtesy of: Oberazzi

3 Important Questions To Consider is a post from: Serene Journey

A Guide for the Overwhelmed - Think Simple Now

Have you ever found yourself in a scenario where you had multiple deadlines, a long list of unfinished tasks, past due bills coming in the mail because you had forgotten to pay them, a rented copy of The Office Season 4 DVD that was due 9 days ago, and family, friends, and bosses asking you to do more? What can we do to gain back control of these chaotic and stressful situations?

 

How To Get What You Want In Life - Present Outlook

I thought carefully about posting an article with a title like this. Is it really that easy? Can you really sum up how to get what you want in life in a blog post? Surely it’s way more complex than that?

But the more I thought about it the more I realised that it really is this simple. The reason it seems difficult is because we are all so hopeless at following through on things. We want everything but aren’t prepared to really get stuck in and get our hands dirty trying to get it. We don’t have the self-discipline to do what needs to be done (at least that’s how it is from my end!).

 
How I’m Creating an Emergency Fund with One Year of Income – Scott Young

If you’re living paycheck to paycheck, you don’t have significant flexibility in changing your career or business. Even if you wanted to make a switch, you’re completely dependent on your current income streams to support you. With an emergency fund, you have an entire year to transition from one work direction to another.

 

The Tragedy of Impulse Saving – Bad Money Advice

They have discovered a new malady to avoid: saver’s remorse. It’s just what it sounds like: that sad feeling you get with money in your pocket that you could have spent in some enjoyable way but, in a moment of weakness, chose to save.

Favorite Finds Of The Week is a post from: Serene Journey

Meet Broke Bob: Like any good Canadian Broke Bob has a canoe. The thing is…this canoe has many many holes. A large volume of water is pouring in each hole but with the help of his massive bucket Broke Bob is able to stay afloat. With each scoop Bob collects and pours out a lot of the water. He’s on the verge of sinking but as long as he doesn’t develop any new leaks or lose his bucket he’ll be okay.

Meet Dollar Doug: Doug’s canoe also has holes but far fewer than Bob’s. Each hole is letting in a small amount of water but with his average sized bucket he is able to keep the rising water level at bay. There’s one important thing you should know about Dollar Doug — he has 2 canoes. The one he’s currently sitting in and bailing and another in perfect condition carrying a couple cases of beer!

Now meet Frugal Fran: Fran has a perfectly good canoe with no holes at all. How big is her bucket? It doesn’t really matter as she has no water to bail out. Fran is very quick to have any holes repaired as soon as they develop.

Okay, okay, enough canoe talk – what does this all represent?

1. The canoe. The canoe is your financial situation. The state of your canoe represents the state of your finances.
2. The holes. The holes are the interest you’re charged on debt. The more holes in your canoe the more sources of interest. The larger the holes the greater the charges.
3. The bucket. The bucket represents the amount of money you earn. A large bucket represents a large salary. Small bucket, small salary.
4. The extra canoe. The extra canoe is an emergency savings account. It’s a spare that you can use when you need to.
5. The cases of beer. These are assets and they can be sold when needed.
6. The shallow rocky waters. These are rough financial times.

How do you think each of our friends will fare in shallow rocky waters?

Broke Bob:

Another little hole in Broke Bob’s canoe may be all it takes for him to start falling behind. As the holes get bigger and bigger the size of his bucket becomes irrelevant as he simply won’t be able to keep up with the inflow of water. And heaven forbid he loses his bucket!

Translation:

Broke Bob has many loans and credit cards and each are charging interest. He earns a huge salary but his charges are so high that he is barely keeping up. One more charge is all it may take before he’ll start to fall behind. If he loses his job or has his salary reduced he may be in for hard times.

Dollar Doug:

Dollar Doug will fare better if he gets a new hole. He has some options: he can ignore it and continue bailing water or he can sell a case of beer and hire someone to fix the hole. Worst case, he can let his canoe sink and hop into his spare. He’ll be able to withstand the shallow rocky waters a lot longer than Broke Bob.

Translation:

Dollar Doug has some debt and earns an average salary. He is more than capable of paying the loans back including interest. He earns less than Broke Bob but Dollar Doug spends his money wisely. He’s saved up an emergency fund and has other assets which he can sell if times get tough. He’s in a good financial situation and is better able to weather financial troubles.

Frugal Fran:

How about Frugal Fran? She hates holes so if she gets one she’ll be very quick to fix it. With this attitude she can stay afloat for quite some time. Maybe even longer than Dollar Doug but definitely longer than Broke Bob.

Translation:

Frugal Fran has no debt at all. It doesn’t matter how much she earns because she’s able to live within her means. She’s better equipped to weather financial storms and will probably be able to handle a cut in salary better than Dollar Doug or Broke Bob.

And the point is…

Ideally, we would be a combination of our 3 friends: Frugal Fran’s aversion to debt, Dollar Doug’s mindset about emergency funds and assets, and Broke Bob’s large salary. With all 3 we could be in the best situation of all and be better suited to cope with rough financial times.

Broke Bob has a huge salary but it doesn’t matter. He earns more than Frugal Fran but she’s still in a better financial position. There’s little point in working harder to climb the corporate ladder to earn a higher salary if you continue to live beyond your means.

Dollar Doug’s emergency funds and assets give him choices. When times get tough he has the ability to choose between going further into debt, dipping into his emergency fund, or selling a few assets. Tough financial times will still hurt but he has some breathing room.

Frugal Fran knows that less is more. By living a modest lifestyle she ends up in a better financial situation than those earning higher salaries. She doesn’t have a large take home pay but she doesn’t spend a lot. This leaves her in a healthy financial position.

And that’s the story of our 3 Canadian friends. What’s the state of your canoe?

See also:
Our Frugal Lifestyle
7 Money Saving Ideas From The Kitchen

Photo courtesy of: Inaz

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It’s Frugal Friday here at Serene Journey! Every Friday we will address the topics of frugality and finances. If you have any suggestions or particular things you would like discussed on this subject please drop us an email or leave them in the comments.

Broke Bob, Dollar Doug and Frugal Fran – Their Story is a post from: Serene Journey

There is the fear that keeps you alive and then there’s the fear that keeps you from living.

Fear of something real.

The fear that keeps you alive is the good one, without it I really don’t think we’d last too long. Fear is an emotional response to real, tangible, physical threats or dangers and it is hardwired into us to keep us safe from real dangers.

Imagine driving along in your car and you come across a downed power line. It’s flicking around, sparking and fizzing just like you see in the movies. The thing keeping you away from that sparking live wire is real fear. It’s something that lets you keep your distance and be safe. This type of fear is not the same as the kind that can potentially keep you from living and enjoying life, that is the fear of taking a perceived risk.

Fear of a perceived risk.

Fear of a perceived risk is a fear that can paralyze you and keep you from enjoying life. It’s also hardwired into us but this doesn’t keep us safe from real dangers. Instead, this is the fear that keeps us from entering situations that we think have the ability to harm us.

In reality, harm from these situations rarely occurs and even when it does the consequences may not be that severe. Fear of something imagined can limit our experiences and prevent us from living life to the fullest. Being able to step outside of our comfort zone has the ability to make us feel alive, invigorated, and full of life.

Jumping out a perfectly good airplane.

I was able to face my fear of heights a few years ago when I jumped out of a perfectly good airplane a few thousand feet above the ground.

After signing up for parachuting, I spent the day getting trained on the “correct way” to jump out of an airplane. The instructors went over the proper placement of my feet and hands and all the steps I needed to follow in order to safely climb out of the plane and dangle from under the wing.

Several hours later I found yourself doing just that. There I was fooling around on the outside of the plane hanging from the wing looking over at my instructor, who was still safely inside. I then got the signal to let go. Going against everything my mind and body was telling me…I let go.

The initial fall was gut wrenching but I was quickly brought to my senses when the parachute fully deployed. It was after this sudden jolt (and huge sigh of relief) that I could enjoy the serene, calm descent down to the solid ground below.

This gentle ride to the ground is in stark contrast to the adrenaline pumping jump out of the plane that took place just a few seconds earlier. My senses were heightened and I marveled at being able to experience a birds eye view of the world while floating safely back to earth.

That experience is something I will never forget. I certainly had a healthy level of fear going into it but it was all fear of the imagined outcomes, what might happen. When you look at the cold hard numbers you’ll see that one parachute jump has the same level of risk as driving roughly 600 miles in your car. For most of us, that’s equivalent to a week or two of commuting to work. (see the How Skydiving Works link at the bottom of this post for more info).

It was looking at the actual risk (i.e. probability of something horrible happening) of parachuting that allowed me to take the leap and overcome my fears. What I got out of this was an experience that was exciting and memorable. Will I go parachuting again? Probably not now that I have kids. “But this is flawed thinking” you say, because if it’s safe enough to do without kids then it should be safe enough to do as a parent. I understand that argument but having done it once was all I ever wanted to do and I did it so now I move on.

The point is that the fear I had was not based on reality; it was based on the perceptions. Had I remained afraid and not approached it I would have missed out on a truly valuable experience.

Enrich your life by facing your fears head on.

Identify your fear. What do you fear most? Is it jumping out of a perfectly good airplane, public speaking, heights, flying or water? Identifying what you are most afraid of is the first step to squashing that fear.

What’s the worst that could happen? Taking the emotion out of your fear may help you to see it a little more clearly. Is it likely that you will be seriously hurt or die from doing this? If the answer is yes then probably not something you want to be getting over. But if it’s highly unlikely that it’ll cause you harm go for it!

If it’s a fear of water (or more specifically drowning) – it’s highly unlikely that it will happen while in the shallow end of a pool in an organized swim class. If it’s a fear of public speaking (very unlikely that something harmful will come of that) then start small and speak to a handful of people and progressively start addressing larger audiences.

What’s the best that could happen? By conquering your fears and stepping outside of your comfort zone you might actually HAVE FUN! You could be opening a door to a whole new world and a heap of new opportunities. If you get over your fear of water wouldn’t spending the day beach side with your kids or grandkids be all that more enjoyable. If you were to conquer your fear of flying think of how much time you would save on the next cross country trip you might even be able to head over seas and explore an entirely new world!

Conquering your fears can be one of the best ways to add more joy to your life. Is it hard? You bet! Will it be rewarding? Very likely! Will you regret facing and overcoming your fears? I’ll go out on a limb and say no!

What fears have you overcome in your lifetime? How has overcoming them added to your quality of life? What other fears do you have that you’re working on overcoming?

See also (off site):

How Skydiving Works

Enrich Your Life By Facing Your Fears Head On. is a post from: Serene Journey

Anger is an emotion that arises as a result of your inability to control something.

Give it a try. Think about times in your past where you’ve gotten angry or agitated at something or someone. The guy that cut you off in traffic, when you were late for work as the bus didn’t arrive on time or when you were laid off from your job due to downsizing. There are numerous examples. What is common among all of them is the lack of control you have over the outcome or particular circumstance.

There is actually very little that we have control over. Realize this and things will stop getting to you so much. Life would be pretty boring if we always got what we wanted and everything just worked out. With that in mind, here are some tips I use whenever a situation arises that makes me feel a little angry.

1. Expect anger. It’s a normal emotion that will crop up every once in a while and should be expected.
2. Visualize exhaling anger. When angry, breathe in deeply and imagine that breath is soaking up the anger. Then breathe out visualizing the anger leaving your body.
3. Count to 10. Create a gap between what’s causing you to be angry and your response. Slowly counting to 10 (or perhaps a higher number ) can refocus your attention on something else. That redirection of your attention can create enough of a gap for you to get composure. It’s all about responding NOT reacting.
4. Apologize and mean it. When I get angry I tend to get quiet, but every now and then I’ll say something in a harsh tone. I try to apologize when I do this since it doesn’t fit with the type of person I want to be. My apology comes from the heart and I truly am sorry for not behaving the way I want to.
5. Forgive yourself. Don’t beat yourself up too much. People get angry and it’s a natural response.
6. Does it matter? You’re angry about something – does that something matter? Are you going to remember this 5 years from now? How much time are you willing to give up to the current feeling of anger? 5 minutes, 5 days, 5 years?
7. Move on. Live in the present moment. If you hang onto the anger you’ll be living in the past. Worse yet, you’ll also be giving up your future by spending more time than you want to focusing on what triggered your anger. The faster you can move on, the faster you can get on with life.
8. Get sleep. The next time you’re angry ask yourself if you got enough sleep the night before. If the answer is no, then perhaps you’re not really angry at what just happened but are instead grumpy from a lack of sleep. A full nights rest will put you in a good frame of mind and you will likely be less angry than otherwise.

Now these tips are the things I do when I’m ticked. I’m not an angry person, so the tips above are enough to get me out of my funk. If you have deeper anger issues please consider getting professional help as these tips may not be appropriate. For something more substantial try reading American Psychological Association – Controlling Anger Before It Controls You.

“Anger is an emotion that arises as a result of your inability to control something.” Yes, this is a pretty broad statement and there are likely examples where this doesn’t quite ring true. If you have an example of something that has gotten you angry that doesn’t fit this I’d love to hear it.

Photo courtesy of: Piez

See also:

10 Tips For A Successful Meditation

Grab the Reigns and Enjoy Your Life

Don’t Worry, Be Happy!

Is Keeping Score Making You Unhappy?

Off site resources:
Stop making me angry!

8 Tips On Dealing With Anger is a post from: Serene Journey

These days we catch ourselves and ask…

On a scale from 1 to 10 how strongly do you feel about this?

We then both honestly answer that question. Here are the 3 possible outcomes:

1. It’s important to neither of us. Our honest answer to this little question has helped us realize that sometimes we disagree on things that aren’t important to either of us. We sometimes just get stuck wanting to be right but we don’t really care about the outcome. This doesn’t happen too often but when it does we find that we can move past the disagreement very quickly.
2. It’s important to one of us. This tends to be the most common outcome. If something is more important to the other person then we will go with their answer. This doesn’t mean you have to agree with their answer or that you’ve somehow lost. Instead, you both win if you’re able to move forward and get past the disagreement.
3. It’s important to both of us. There are times when we both feel very strongly about our own view, although these are rare. This question is still relevant even though it doesn’t allow us to immediately move on. Having gone through this exercise before we know that we can go with a different view from our own and things usually work out anyway.

Here’s an example…

When painting our basement recently, we looked at many colors. Sherri leaned towards gray and I liked blue. Let the head butting begin! We each bunkered down and held our positions. After a while it clicked. On a scale from 1 to 10 how strongly did we feel about this? Sherri – 6. Me – 8. So we went with blue. (My vote for 8 was because I really find gray depressing and it can affect my mood – so this is something I felt quite strongly about.) In the end, we painted the basement some sort of tan color so the disagreement in color didn’t matter anyway. We were able to move forward.

Here are some tips when trying this out:

• Be honest. Give an honest answer to the question. Manipulating your vote will make this exercise meaningless and you won’t be any further ahead than when you started.
• Give and take. Be willing to go with the other viewpoint. Trust me, the other person will catch on if every time you answer 10 to this question.
• Listen first. Give the other person the chance to fully explain their viewpoint, then explain your own. Only when you fully understand where the other person is coming from can you work towards a solution that works for both. 
• Truly listen. Listen so that you can explain their view in your own words. You may find that you’ve misunderstood what they were saying all along and you actually agree with each other (Sherri and I are masters at passionately agreeing with each other).
• Does it really matter. What’s the worst thing that could happen if you don’t go with your own viewpoint?  Does it really matter?

Sometimes we get so stuck on being right that our relationships tend to suffer. A lot of time there is no right way to do something just variations of a way to do it. By asking the simple question “On a scale from 1 to 10 how strongly do you feel about this?” you take the need for being right out of the equation.

Photo courtesy of: Zach Klein

See also:

Grab the Reigns and Enjoy Your Life

Is Keeping Score Making You Unhappy?

Don’t Worry, Be Happy!

Stand Your Ground, But Only On The Important Stuff is a post from: Serene Journey

It’s always been like this – I grew up watching hours and hours of TV while my homework went undone. Into adulthood I would sit there for at least 5 hours per day watching whatever happened to be on – which most times was a rerun of a show I’d seen 3 times before. I would be bored eating dinner at the table and would much prefer eating on the couch while watching TV.

That all changed in 2004 through a Horrific TV Smashing Incident.

The Horrific TV Smashing Incident.

In 2004 I gladly accepted a laser pointer as a gift for attending a seminar. I soon discovered that our 70lb Labrador Retriever (pictured above) absolutely LOVED that laser pointer. She would chase the red dot like a crazed frothing maniac. She chased after it down the hallway just to get to the end of the hallway and realize that the red dot had reversed directions and was heading back the other way. This was great fun.

The problem that none of us foresaw was that the TV was situated in the living room…at the end of the hallway directly in the path of that crazed frothing maniac. “Little” Maddie was running a bit too fast and so could not stop in time before doing a beautiful side check of the TV stand. Like a felled tree the TV slowly tilted forward and dropped 3 feet right onto its face. (Maddie was unharmed and had turned around to see what the bang was all about).

And that was it. The TV was dead. It happened at a time when we were flat broke and so we didn’t get a replacement TV for about 4 months.

What We Discovered.

It’s Eerily Quiet. If you leave the TV on it can provide background noise. Without the background sounds we actually found ourselves feeling alone. Playing music in the background helped make our home feel alive again. (I would imagine this would be less of an issue now with our kids always providing ample background sounds.)

Withdrawal. While you’re in the middle of a series you feel like you’re losing out when you can’t continue watching. During the first couple of weeks this was a real bummer but after the initial withdrawal ended I found I could care a less about the entire series.

Free Time. We always had the running complaint that there was never enough time to do things. After The Horrific TV Smashing Incident we suddenly found ourselves with at least 30 hours of free time a week. That’s a lot of time to have on your hands all of a sudden so you find yourself bored with nothing to do.

Decisions, Decisions, Decisions. Watching TV is a passive activity. You sit down, pop it on, and tune out. Occasionally you’ll have to make a decision as to what to watch next but these decisions are few and far between. Without TV you’ll have to decide what you’re going to do with all those extra hours you now have on your hands.

Today

Fast forward to today and we have a new TV mounted on the wall out of reach of crazed frothing maniacs (we actually have 2 Golden Lab Retrievers) but we don’t watch it that much. We have a few shows which we record and then watch later – House, Smallville, 90210 (I can’t believe I just admitted that in public), and Survivor. That’s it. In total, it probably consumes around 3 1/2 hours per week but we watch it on our terms when the kids are in bed. I steadfastly refuse to watch live TV while at home. I know that I would fall back into my old habits and get sucked into just sitting there for hours on end.

My Suggestions

Have an Alternative. What will you do with all the free time you have on your hands if you give up TV? You’ll catch up on a lot of projects and TODO lists but you can burn out by working all the time. You need something that you can do that you will enjoy spending hours and hours on. For us, spending as much time with our kids and each other are our priorities. We also found working on this blog and reading ones that are similar to be quite rewarding.

Limit Recorded Shows. At one time we had a fancy PVR/DVR/Tivo (or whatever you want to call it) that was programmed to load a ton of different shows and movies. We would routinely have to purge shows because we had hit the upper limit of 40 hours worth of recorded TV that we had recorded. Instead just record the shows you truly enjoy and love. Forget the rest.

Avoid Watching Live TV. Can you just watch 1 show and then turn the TV off? Or will you end up spending the next few hours watching shows you’ve already seen? Or spending 2 hours watching TV to “kill time” until the real show you’re wanting to watch comes on? Admittedly there are some shows better watched live but record the ones you can and watch them later.

Don’t give up your young healthy years sitting in front of a TV. Soon enough you’ll be old, soon enough you may lose your health. Leave the TV for those years. Right now: Get up. Get out. Go and live your life!

See also:

My Family Rules! 5 Rituals To Establish a Close Knit Family

Don’t Wait Their Little Lives Away

How We (Almost) Gave Up TV is a post from: Serene Journey

You’ve heard of all the benefits to meditating but have you ever given it a try? When I first tried it I failed miserably. My first attempt was to sit there for 15 minutes while trying to “think of nothing.” I could probably only pull off around 5 seconds of thought free time before I was thinking about what’s for dinner, I should call my mom, I need to get the car serviced, etc. I would then get annoyed for losing focus and force myself to think of nothing again. And so the cycle continued.

What worked for me was a much easier way to get started meditating. These are the tips I’ve learned:

1. Find Quiet. Turn off the TV, radio, cell phones, sign out of messenger, mail, and any other thing that can interrupt you.
2. Start with 5 minutes. I found a 15 minute meditation a little too long to start off with. Instead I backed off down to 5 minutes and found that a much more manageable starting point.
3. Sit Comfortably. I made the mistake of sitting cross legged on the floor without cushions. My ankle put pressure on my other leg’s shin bone which was a small ache to begin with but eventually grew into a nasty pain. I now sit naturally on a chair (trying not to slouch) or cross legged on the floor with some pillows.
4. Adjust if Uncomfortable. Trying to ignore a small ache until it grows into a pain is just pointless. The pain will scream for your attention and continually interrupt your concentration. So instead, adjust your seating. After you’ve meditated a few times you’ll learn how to sit in a way that will keep you comfortable for the duration of your meditation and so you won’t have to adjust any more.
5. Loosen Up. I sometimes carry a lot of tension that I’m not aware of until I focus on relaxing. I wear glasses and I’ve found that I have tension in my ears to hold my glasses in place. Weird! To relax, I scrunch up my shoulders to my ears and then slowly let them fall down. I feel the muscles in my face relax. I relax my cheeks, my mouth, my shoulders a little more. Loosen my arms. Feel my hands get heavy. Oh, and I also take off my glasses.
6. Close Your Eyes. I find closing my eyes entirely works for me. Others have had success with keeping their eyes half open but I find that I just end up thinking about what I’m looking at.
7. Don’t Think of Nothing. It’s a mistake to try and fight thoughts and force yourself to “think of nothing”. If you haven’t meditated before you may not be aware that you’re not really in control of your thoughts. If you’re not in control you’re going to have a really hard time trying to control your mind by thinking of nothing.
8. Notice Your Body. Focus your attention by noticing everything you can about how your body feels. Start at the top of your head and focus your attention on your face, your eyes, the coolness of air when you breathe in, the warmth when you breathe out, the tension in your face, and so on. Move your attention down your body towards your feet and focus on a part of your body and just notice how everything feels.
9. Redirect Thoughts. If you’re like me then it won’t be too long before your mind will start to wonder. That’s okay and should be expected! It’s a natural part of the process. When you can catch your mind wondering, pay attention to the thought. Try not to get engaged thinking the thought but take a step back and notice what you were thinking of and how you feel. After you’ve noticed what you were thinking redirect your attention back to your your body. Don’t get angry or frustrated. Just notice your body, notice the thought, notice your body, … This ebb and flow is all a part of the deal.
10. Notice Your Breath. If you’ve done the inventory of how your body feels and still have more time left then redirect your attention to your breath. Notice how deeply you breathe, what your nostrils feel like when you breathe in, how they feel breathing out, how much air is in your lungs, how fast you’re breathing, and so on.

OK Enough Talk…Give it a Shot!

If you’re at the Serene Journey website you should see a countdown timer below already set for 5 minutes. Click on the Start button to start the timer or change the time to anything you want. When the time’s up you’ll hear 3 bell rings – make sure your computer’s sound is on.

What Next?

There are many ways to meditate. When I started out what I described above is what worked for me. I stayed with this routine for a while (months) before trying something different. Don’t feel you have to rush into alternatives now. You’re training your mind and that will take time so don’t rush it, just enjoy the process!

If you’ve been doing this for a while and are looking for alternative meditations here are some suggestions: 

1. Increase Time. Bump up the time you meditate by 1 minute at a go until you reach 15 minutes. When you reach 15 minutes try adding another meditation session at another point throughout the day. Say one in the morning and one in the evening.
2. Narrow Focus. Only focus your attention on your breath instead of your entire body.
3. Walking Meditation. While walking pay close attention to the steps you’re taking, the length of your stride, how the earth feels beneath your feet.
4. Cleaning Meditation. Maybe this one’s just me but I get in the zone when cleaning the coffee plunger. I focus my attention on taking apart the plunger bit, cleaning the parts, reassembling it. When I’m done I have an incredibly clean coffee plunger and have maintained focus on one thing for a few minutes.

How’d it Go?

If you gave this a shot then please let me know how it went. Did it work for you? Did your mind wander a bit? Do you have any of your own tips?

Photo courtesy of: lepiaf.geo

See also:

Don’t Worry, Be Happy!

Selfless Acts-Do Something Nice to Restore Faith in Humanity

10 Tips For A Successful Meditation is a post from: Serene Journey