Secrets of the Perpetually Unhappy
This post was originally published in June last year. Please enjoy again or for the first time.
I think it’s safe to say that most of us are searching for happiness. If you have already found it well done! But there are several people who remain quite unhappy and I’m about to share their secrets with you. Here are some ways to ensure unhappiness in your life.
How to successfully be unhappy
1. Live in the past. Unhappy people are stuck in the past, replaying every situation and wishing they could have done it differently to get a better outcome. Fortunately for them the past cannot be changed nor can the outcome, so they will always have something to dwell on.
Cure: Live for now, right this minute, today. Living in the past is truly pointless, as it cannot be changed no matter how hard you try. If you’ve screwed up guess what? We all have. The best thing you can do is learn from it, apologize if need be, move on and try not to make the same mistake again. Alternatively, and just as pointless really, you could be living in the future. You have no idea what the future has in store and the more attached you get to an idea of how things should play out, the more disappointed and unhappy you will be when it doesn’t.
2. Let life happen TO you. Perpetually unhappy people don’t take much into their own hands. They are life’s victims and are simply taken along for the ride with no say in how things unfold. You’ll often hear unhappy people say things like “I can’t”, “I have to” or “I have no choice”.
Cure: Grab the reins and get active. Everything you’re doing, you are doing because you made a choice to do it. Instead of “I can’t” try “I don’t want to”. Instead of “I have to” try “I want to”. There’s a subtle difference but when you make these changes it becomes something all about you. It empowers you. You are actively choosing how your life is unfolding.
3. If only. Many unhappy people live in “if only” land. If only I had a million dollars, if only I was born somewhere warm, if only I hadn’t thrown out <blank>. This is similar to the first point of living in the past, but in this case it’s the fictitious past as it didn’t even happen.
Cure: Make the best of your current situation, circumstance or position in life. Sure life would be easier if only we had…, but focusing on what could have been or on things that just aren’t going to happen, makes for a rather unhappy existence. Look at where you are right now. If you are reading this you are likely indoors, clothed and have the knowledge to use a computer. Those things alone are worth being grateful for.
4. Value things not people. Some unhappy people take pleasure in owning big, flashy, shiny things. Some get their sense of worth based on what they have. If you know anyone like this then you probably also know that many of their relationships with actual people are far from healthy or ideal.
Cure: Spend time with people and create genuine relationships with them. If you surround yourself with like minded individuals that you enjoy spending time with the happier you will be. If you lose everything in a fire, flood, tornado etc. you con’t be in a very good spot if you’ve spent more time caring about things than your relationships with people. If, on the other hand, you have created and maintained good relationships all of your possessions could be washed away and I feel you would be in a far better position.
5. Focus on your weaknesses. To be truly unhappy simply talk yourself out of ever trying anything or taking a chance because it’s “not one of your strengths”. This is a great way to remain stuck in your rut and never expose yourself to new opportunities or experiences.
Cure: Focus on your strengths. Yes, it’s good to be aware of what you’re not particularly good at. Personal growth comes from getting out of your comfort zone and taking chances. When it’s not healthy is when you dwell on it – when you fear doing anything because you don’t think you’re good enough. Try to balance it by honing your skills or your talents and become even better at them. When you do something you’re good at it’s easy to get lost in it and make quick progress. Focus on your strengths and become the “go-to” person for them. You’ll be happier doing something you’re naturally good at as opposed to forcing yourself to become good at something you’re not.
6. Worry about everything. Some unhappy people are quite often stuck playing the “what if game”. I guarantee you they aren’t too happy about it (I know I’ve been there). What if this happens? And what if that happens? This causes a great deal of stress especially when all you can see is the worst possible outcomes.
Cure: Maintain perspective. Acknowledge the feelings you have but don’t wallow or get stuck in this phase for days on end. Reel yourself in and gain some perspective. Stick to the facts and remove as much of the emotion from the situation as you can. Is this seemingly bad thing really that bad or is it a blessing in disguise? Gaining perspective isn’t an easy thing to do if you’re a natural worrier. It takes time and practice as it’s not usually the first response.
7. Never be content because there’s got to be something better out there. If you never want to find happiness then stick with the “grass is greener over there” way of thinking.
Cure: Be happy right where you are. Unhappy people spend their whole life working towards objects, goals, horizons that always just out of reach. They say things like: “I’ll be happy when I’m debt free” “I’ll be happy when the kids are grown up and have moved out of the house” “I’ll be happy when the debt is paid off” and so on. Thing is you should be able to find happiness in your current situation right now. You likely have a lot going for you. If you think along the lines of “I’ll be happy when…” you mask the goodness that you have right now. Each milestone that you get to is only full of other problems and issues to deal with. Look where you are right now. Didn’t you say to yourself two years ago, “I’ll be happy when…” you are where you are right now?
We all want to be happy I think that’s a given. With a slight shift in perspective and thinking you can be happy now. There is no need to wait for the fictitious future. Take note of which of the seven secrets are affecting you. Have faith, let go and be secure enough in yourself to try some of the cures. It won’t happen right away but with persistence you can be well on your way to a happier you.
See also:
Create Experiences: Gifts That Can Last A Lifetime
Being A Rebel: Is It Killing Your Happiness?
Picture courtesy of: sergis blog
36 Responses to “Secrets of the Perpetually Unhappy”
Comments
Read below or add a comment...
Leave A Comment...
Your Life | Live it. Love it. is a book designed to encourage you to examine where you are right now and inspire you to get to where you ultimately want to be.
Hey Sherri – A great post! I have been away for awhile and stumbled back on this blog….great to see you and Gwynn are still creating interesting and informative posts. Keep it comin’!
Hi Steve,
Good to see you back here! I’m glad you found us again. Hope you had a lovely summer with the family. All the best.
Great post — love the way you wrote it. I definitely agree with all of your points, but especially the first one. In order to be happy, you have to live in the present, NOT the past!
Wow, Sherri. You’ve really found it! The true path to unhappiness! I have been trying and trying for years to make myself more unhappy, and now, you’ve done the work for me!
All kidding aside, this is a great post. I love how you’ve written this, and the “cures” are priceless. For me, the most powerful one is the second one: Let life happen TO you. People forget (or refuse) to take responsibility for their lives, and to accept that everything they do, they do by choice. You ALWAYS have a choice! You might not like any of the options, but you always have a choice. Sometimes, just remembering that can go a long way to becoming happier.
Awesome post, Sherri! Like Jay, I was partial to the second one. I was thinking that we are currently just letting life happen, but the truth is, we’re observing life and choosing the paths we want to take.
We definitely always have a choice and choosing anything (even the wrong thing, only to be corrected later) can be very empowering.
Lisis´s last blog ..Road to Freedom Update #3: Facing Uncertainty
What great wisdom! Just think how many people miss out on life and joy because of any or all of these things. So sad.
Hi Sherri,
Great article about some of the behaviors that really keep us stuck in the past /in a bad place.
Thanks for sharing,
Lori
Lori Enos´s last blog ..Geek Bliss
@ Positively Present – I’m glad you liked it. It took a long time for me to get my head out of the past (and future for that matter) but it’s been worth it.
@ Jay and Lisis – It is pretty unfortunate when I see people sitting back and not doing anything because they think they don’t have a choice. Like you said Jay, everything is a choice you may not like the options available to you but they’re still choices.
@ Marci – I’m glad you liked it. If you never take time out to reflect on why you’re unhappy it’s unlikely that you will be able to improve on it. There are a few small things you can do to make such a big difference.
@ Lori Enos – I’m glad you enjoyed it. Thanks for your comment.
Hi Sherri,
heheh…
Arent you an expert on unhappiness
But seriously such a well put out post. I love the contrast of the unhappy point with its cure. I like #2 and #7 the best though. Maybe cause i am able to do those with ease….:)
Saving this post for future reference.
Zeenat{Positive Provocations}´s last blog ..Love Will Truly Set You Free
Excellent post, Sherri.
“Let life happen TO you.”
That’s a tricky one. Unhappiness is often trying to control, rather than allowing. Wehne we take reins, often it is the ego which has its own agenda that attempts to navigate. When we let go, what we do and what happens is aligned with Essence. The balance seems to be full acceptance and full responsibility for what is.
Thanks for the insight!
Kaushik´s last blog ..Our Days of Discontent
Hello Sherri.
This is sort of hilarious. The examples you brought up in number about unhappy people saying “I can’t”, “I have to”, or “I have no choice” are exactly the words I heard a couple of weeks ago from someone who is usually unhappy. At the time I brought up all kinds of examples to switch his tone. Some don’t yet see what they have. These phrases come with a lot of resistance to anything positive. Also, people that say those things are manipulating themselves into thinking they are doing good with their terrible conditions, when they actually have good conditions they are not making use of. It is fine to re-frame, but it is wiser to re-frame for long-term benefits than short-term benefits.
Also, this same person values certain items a lot, and that fits in with number 4.
Until someone sees that they have a golden opportunity in their hands, they are blind to it.
Thanks for the fitting example points.
Armen Shirvanian´s last blog ..How Long Can You Maintain Momentum For?
Great post Sherri!
I heard of a great exercise to help make you unhappy. Take the following list of people and list down everything they achieved during their lifetimes (you can replace it with names of your own heroes)
Leonardo Da Vinci
Mozart
Einstein
Gandhi
Now list your own achievements by the side and compare.
Moral of the exercise – comparing yourself to others can make you unhappy!
Ian | Quantum Learning´s last blog ..6 Ways to cultivate confidence
@ Zeenat – That’s great I’m glad you liked it! And well done with having #2 and #7 down
@ Kaushik – Well said. I dislike the saying “It is what it is” but it really sums everything up quite well. The less you try to control life around you and the more you give into the way things just are the happier you’ll be. Thank you for your comment!
@ Armen Shirvanian – That is funny! So you can attest to these secrets being true then
What I’ve found with personal development in particular, is that everyone is on the same path just at very different points on it. So while you may know the “cure” for their unhappiness they aren’t ready to see it just yet. Thank you for your comment and I’m glad you liked the post. 
@ Ian – Why thank you Ian and that’s a fabulous exercise. Comparing yourself to others certainly does make you more unhappy. I used to do that quite a bit but now that I can be truly happy for what other’s have and where they are I’m so much happier for it. What works for one won’t necessarily work for another.
What an utterly fantastic post. I had no idea that lately I have definitely been morphing into a…:::gasp:::…perpetually unhappy person! Like millions of others, our financial situation has been less than perfect, but I’ve been letting it steamroll over me everyday, to the point that I’ve lost sleep and felt sick to my stomach!
ENOUGH! Basta! Time to get busy living and enjoying all that is good, and counting all of our many blessings.
*thank you* so much for a great post!
I enjoy posts like this.
I always feel left out, however, because I suffer from depression. I know you can’t include a spot about mental health all the time, but something to consider in the future.
For someone like me, inability to concentrate is just one of the many things I deal with. I don’t know if I’m just being lazy in some regards or if it’s depression holding me back.
The cures in this post focus on doings things I don’t feel capable of. That was a point, though. It remains to be seen how I tackle things.
It’s a bit harsh to me to see that I’m apparently just not trying hard enough to be happy. Or is it really the depression? I just feel that more care has to taken to such sensitive subject matter. I’m sure a lot of other viewers will deal with similar problems as mine (self health readers and all)
All that aside, these are some excellent advices you’ve given. I’ll try to do with them what I can. They do sound quite useful.
I hope my post sounds a bit coherent…I can’t concentrate to make a response I’d like to, but hopefully you still get what I’m trying to say.
Thanks for the post
Wow, this is great…. I’ve been having such a horrible time with everything lately, and this just about describes me to a “t.” Not that it’s a good thing or anything, but at least I have some idea of what I need to do to fix it! (Even though it seems like a lot of it can’t be fixed, I need to grin and bear it sometimes, like boring but necessary classes and extra hours at work.)
And the comment about letting life happen to you and being unhappy because of control…. Yes!! That rings so true to me right now. I need to step back and stop fretting over everything so much….
Hopefully I can keep sorting things out for myself, being unhappy and miserable sucks!!
Foxie´s last blog ..Super Fun Weekend!
Great post. I am just on the other side of having lived a year successfully unhappy. I was doing ALL of those things.
Sometimes the “if only thoughts” still try to get me…”if only I’d stayed in school, I’d be done by now” etc.
I have gotten myself in the habit of countering those thoughts with what I am doing NOW to change the things I have been unhappy with. It’s progress and getting better everyday!
Hi, first time here.
Good list and always a good reminder to those who need a reality check when they are stuck in a rut.
It’s fine to go through some of these once in a while as we all have dips, but to continue to do these things is to waste your precious gift of life.
thanks for a good article!
FrugalNYC´s last blog ..FrugalNYC Broadway Ticket Giveaway!
This is hilarious, I love it! What a great way to turn the topic of happiness on its head and make people think. Great approach. Thank you for the ideas, too, I agree with many of the “cures” to move toward a more positive, proactive attitude.
Learning to let go helps a lot…
I find Eckhart Tolle’s books and DVDs most helpful.
Thanks for sharing!
This makes so much sense but when you see it in black and white it really hits home. Of course we don’t want to be unhappy but we do things that make us that way. Thank you for giving me a reminder not to do a few of the things listed
Kristin: last blog ..Thursday Giveaway Link Up September 2nd
Great blog very insightful. I especially like number three if only we dwell on what we don’t have. If you just look around someone else would be thrilled to have what you have at this point your life, there’s always someone worse off than you.
Of all of these, number six fits me the best, I tend to worry about things I cannot control. Yes often times I live in the what if world, and this sometimes holds me back from taking chances. I think I need to cut and paste number six and read it daily.
Thanks for the great blog!
Ben: last blog ..Solid Impact Door
I think you have a great blog here and was wondering if you would be interested in exchanging links. Please comment back on my blog and let me know!
Success Demands Action
I’ve just laughed out loud while reading this – every one of these points is the epitome of my mum and the reasons that she never gets out of a situation that she is desperately unhappy in. I’ll definitely be passing her this link because I find it difficult to make her see that simple changes can bring her to a much happier place. I also feel I should share with you an amazing course I did that I found life changing. I’d been lacking in confidence and dealing with negativity around areas of my life, but the strategies that Sarah Merron of Fire Dragon Coaching teaches really helped me focus on getting the best out of myself and others around me. She runs courses in Cairo and the Maldives, so it’s a fantastic way to see the world at the same time. Here’s the link if you should ever head that way, I found it had a very powerful effect on my life: http://www.nlp.firedragoncoaching.com/destination-egypt.html
haha, that was great, thanks – do good versions of pretty much all of these
time for change
Yin and yang. As with everything there has to be a balance. Sometimes its necessary to feel the negative emotions to have a greater appreciation for the positive ones. It sure is a great place to be when one finally figures it out though! I love this appraoch and I love your attitude. Something I always strive for. Thanks for the read.
What a lovely comment thank you so much. There is much truth in what you said about needing the negative to appreciate the positive. Thanks for your kind words.