Reconciling With Friends and Family – Do I Have To?
In December I wrote an article about reconciling with family. It was pretty therapeutic for me. At the time I wrote that article I felt a strong pull to make amends with someone. I know (really and truly know – not just a perspective thing) that I hadn’t done anything wrong or contributed to the deterioration of this relationship as I was in my teens when it started heading south. I think it was a case of guilt by association.
Despite this I felt something poking me in the back of my head and I had a feeling that I was losing out on something. They are family after all. I felt I needed to take the first step. I’ve said here before that if you wait around for someone else to take the initiative it may never happen. So I eventually took my own advice. I started writing a letter.
I began with a sincere apology. The best I could do was apologize for “whatever it was I had done” a bit vague and definitely all encompassing but there it was. I then moved on to my perception of how I thought everything had played out. I stated clearly that I didn’t understand what I had done to deserve being “cut off” as I had been. I went on about how unfortunate it is that we wasted so much time and we have all missed out on so much with each others families. They haven’t met my children. I felt that this wasn’t right and indeed for my idea of family it isn’t.
A funny thing happened while I was writing this letter. Despite having the nagging feeling to do what I thought was right I felt what I was writing was in fact wrong. When I started writing it out the following became clear.
- I wasn’t sorry for “whatever it is I had done” considering I hadn’t done anything,
- I didn’t really feel like I had missed out on anything life wise with them
- Was it really unfortunate to have had nothing to do with these people for nearly 20 years now? In all honesty, no.
As I was writing this I didn’t feel as though my life had been significantly altered, held back or hindered by their actions. I continued on, became quite successful and have a beautiful family of my own.
Questions I asked in how to reconcile with friends and family were:
What happens when you see them again?
Does your heart race? Do you get anxious and nervous? Do you think about what you’ll say or if you’ll just ignore them completely?
Initially I thought yes I would get anxious and flounder and wonder what to say. But guess what? I didn’t.
It occurred to me that even if people are related by blood it requires a lot more work than that to create a family. These people are essentially strangers to me. Although I know a tiny bit (and I mean tiny bit) about what is going on with them I don’t know them. People change, circumstances change so do I think they are the same people I knew 20 years ago? No way.
In the earlier post reader(autumnesf) made the following comment:
But it is important to know that you can forgive without picking a relationship back up. There are TOXIC relationships that not only we as adults deal with…but that spill over on our kids. Sometimes the kids need to be kept safe from toxic people. That’s not wrong, even though it is hard.
This comment helped make me feel okay with what I was feeling and what I ultimately decided to do. Nothing.
After holding onto this letter for a couple of weeks I tore it up. It was liberating. For the past 20 years the feelings of anxiety that came with thinking of these people were gone. I was really and truly okay with where I was.
It’s difficult, as a people pleaser, to feel disliked or hated by anyone especially members of your own family. At some point, for your own sake you need to release it and make the conscious choice to move on.
Do I wish these people any ill will at all? Absolutely not. I really and truly hope they have found happiness and are living life to the fullest.
Do I feel anxious when I see them, do I wonder what to say? No.
What this all comes down to is owning your choice, standing by your choice and being happy with it. I’m not going to start encouraging people to sit back and wait for things to happen, not at all. I had every intention of reconnecting and reconciling but it suddenly didn’t feel right. I would be lying.
So thank you autumnesf for helping me see that it’s okay to stand by decision, even if it goes against “best practice”, if it means you’re living true to yourself.
See also:
Get Rich, Stay Rich – Emotional Bank Accounts
How To Be The Person You Want To Be
Photo courtesy of: camil tulcan
12 Responses to “Reconciling With Friends and Family – Do I Have To?”
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I LOVE this post. My family has a relationship that fits some of the criteria described here – and it’s nice to know that someone else feels healthy about moving on too.
Some serious soul-searching and prayer is required. But we realized that forgiveness does not equal trust.
Thanks again,
MMW
When I first started reading your letter, I almost yelled at the computer, “No! Don’t apologize for something you didn’t do!” I’m so glad you didn’t go through with it. If you truly didn’t do anything, then whatever feelings of hurt that person may have been feeling were brought on by them, not you. Congrats on finding some peace with this situation.
Coach J´s last blog ..Yet another reason I’m not coaching there anymore
I see a lot of people with the mindset that it’s cruel or selfish to cut people who “drag you down” from your life – it makes me so sad. “But they’re family!” people say. Sure, but blood doesn’t give anyone the right to treat you like crap.
There are people from my past that I just don’t associate with anymore, some family, some friends and in some people’s eyes that makes me rude. But the best I can do is ask is this relationship more helpful or harmful? And go from there.
Hi Sherri -
Well, this one hit home. You brought tears to my eyes.
Yes, like many of us, my birth family is less than perfect. And I have relationships that sound just like yours.
My parents really pour on the pressure for everyone to “just get along”, even to the point of stating that, “If I really loved us (my parents) then you’d do this (socialize with these embittered strained relations).
And we live close by, too.
But I just do what I have to do. Raise our children, live our lives, and avoid at all costs the bitter anger and judgment of unhappy people who don’t even know who we are, anyway.
I love my family. But I feel no obligation to love or be with others merely as a result of the accident of birth. I go with who I choose. And I refuse to be forced into caustic environments (and certainly don’t let my kids be exposed to it, either).
It is clear that many disagree with me (my parents included), but that’s the way it has to be.
I don’t resent my strained relations, but I honestly do resent the pressure from my (now quite elderly) parents.
So, anyway, I get you 100%.
I wish you all the best and much more joy than sorrow in your life.
All the best,
Hugh
Hello Sherri,
Your feelings are so true. After reading the post and the comments I feel that we need not to apologize for something not wrong done by us. We have to guard our emotions.
I know that the thoughts are there in the background and give us pain when we think about it. And makes us to write an apology letter thinking “it has to start at one end and so why not me”.
We need to learn to move on. Life is like a stream which has to flow forward on its journey. The minute the water gets stagnant it gets polluted.
And when we have kids, we need to learn to separate the kids from this issue as mentioned by Hugh.
Best Wishes,
Cheryl Paris Blog
Cheryl Paris´s last blog ..How to boost your attitude to success
Wow, Sherri. Thanks for this honest and open story. Life is not always rainbows and sunshine, but doing the right thing can feel pretty close. Even if the right thing isn’t what we wished it was.
I can relate to this post, it is very personal in a lot of ways. To be honest the situation is far more common than we want to think about.
But the most important bit is this simple phrase: “t means you’re living true to yourself”.
I think those words are the most important, we only have our life, if we are not true to ourselves then what do we have?
This question relates to how perfect we want to be, we can’t be perfect and so we can’t stay in good terms with everyone. Sometimes as autumnesf said, it is best to stay away from toxic relationships and people who can help us at all.
Wonderful post Sherri and thanks for sharing it with us. =)
Alejandro Reyes´s last blog ..Harder than I thought…
Sherri,
Fabulous post. I think we all kind of have a picture in our head of what we hoped our family life and the relationships within would be like. I’ve always wanted a closer immediate family, not just the I’ll-see-you-over-the-holidays type. The closer family makes the time, makes the family a priority. That requires ALL parties to be involved. As much as any one person hopes that the family be closer, it requires much more than the hope of only one person.
The most important relationship you can have is the one with yourself. You have to be who you are, and you always need to respect exactly who you are. It’s not about ego, it’s being true to that which you are. And without that, real and lasting inner peace will simply not be possible.
Thanks for sharing your self with the world!
Peter
Thank you for all of your support. It’s comforting to know that I’m not unique in this situation although I would like things to turn out differently for everyone.
Be true to yourself and you’ll be happier for it as will the people around you.
Thanks again everyone!
I believe it’s important to value and keep the personal relationships we build with our loved ones. However, how do we value people who do not value us? The word forgiveness and understanding come to mind in these types of situations, but come to think of it, is it worth it to keep your hope alive about people who don’t even make an effort to be in your life or keep you in theirs?
Well, I believe in the saying, “to each his own.” We each react to situations and relationships differently. Family, friends and other loved ones are important – more so if the love between them is reciprocated and built stronger.
P.S. Check out http://budurl.com/hw8s to see how successful relationships could not only improve life but businesses too.
I was saddened to read of your decision to do “Nothing”. What if the other person is longing to make amends but is afraid to take the first step for fear of the reaction or because they are feeling guilty? By not reaching out to them, they are deprived of that opportunity to make amends, and you may always wonder what could have happened. Even if the situation and estrangement is 100% their fault, it is something from the distant past. People change. Perhaps this person has changed for the better; you may never know, and you may never know what you and the other person have missed out on together because of your lack of initiative to put the past in the past. Of course, I would say the same thing to the other party, but right now we’re talking about your actions and inactions.
Remember, I’m sure there are people in your life who, if for some reason they walked away and blamed you for something, you would want a second chance or to clear the air or whatever. Since I myself would want others to have compassion on me if I wronged them and to have the chance to make things right regardless of how much time has passed, that’s how I will always treat others in my life that offend me.
Thank you Jared for your thoughtful comment. I see where you`re coming from … sort of. I don`t quite understand how me not reaching out to them deprives them of the opportunity to make amends. Initially I will say I was hurt by the fact that they shut a very large portion of their family out but I can truly and honestly say that I`m okay with it now. I take responsibility for my part in everything every time but in this I really and truly had no part.
When you said “Remember, I’m sure there are people in your life who, if for some reason they walked away and blamed you for something, you would want a second chance or to clear the air or whatever.” I agree, yes I would like to be given a second chance but I would never expect someone who I shut out or wronged to come to me first and try to make amends. From my perspective that’s my role (if in fact I wanted that relationship to be re-kindled).
I know full well that my inaction is my choice and I’m 100% okay with my choice. It may not be what everyone would do or indeed should do (certainly a very personal decision) but it is what I would do and allows me to be true to who I am.
I really do appreciate your comment and for offering a different perspective on a very tough subject.
All the best,
Sherri