Part 1 of this post introduced you to some of the things I worry about and some reasons I think worrying is bad. I’ll continue now with some things you can do to help yourself stop worrying and overcome this potentially paralyzing habit.
I don’t believe I will ever be 100% worry free but I have been able to get myself to a place where I worry a whole lot less. I truly believe that worrying is a habit and with enough time and effort you will be able to break it; but it will take work. You can do a lot more than just tell yourself ”Oh don’t worry about that – there’s nothing I can do anyway”.
Strategies for how to stop worrying
1. Be proactive. Do something. This has been one of the biggest things for me in overcoming my need to worry. It’s very similar to my thoughts on complaining…if you can’t contribute a possible solution to what you’re complaining about…please don’t complain! Bring me solutions not problems. Whatever you’re worrying about write it down. Get a journal, a notebook or a couple of sheets of paper and make your worry list. Write down whatever is on your mind. Next to each item write down what you can actively do to make progress towards a solution. Truth be told there are some situations in which you can’t do anything and if so do nothing, including worrying.
2. Educate yourself. This ties in well with being proactive. A lot of time worry stems from a lack of understanding of how something works or how something is done. Instead of worrying about it, which really is pointless and unproductive, head to the library, search the Internet, contact a friend or seek out an expert on the subject. Do the research. Once you have a better understanding of how something works or the steps of a particular processes you will feel more at ease, more comfortable and you’ll be a lot less likely to allow worry to consume you.
3. Mantras. It may sound a bit odd but you can help to keep things in perspective by reading and repeating quotes or phrases that resonate strongly with you. Write them out and place them in a prominent spot in your home or office, purse or wallet and refer to them often. Read them and repeat them to yourself when you feel you are becoming consumed by your worrying ways. One that has helped me all but entirely get over my insecurity of what people think of me is:
“You’d worry less about what people thought of you if you knew how little they did.”
For me it really helped hit home the fact that people actually have better things to do than sit around analyzing everything I’ve ever said or done. It puts into perspective the amount of time I spent worrying about what others thought of me when in fact they weren’t. Now that I’m older, and dare I say a bit wiser, I’m a lot more comfortable in my own skin and really don’t worry about the opinions of others. Like me, or not, I am who I am. Some other phrases you might find helpful to get you started:
Nobody is perfect or has it pulled together all the time.
Nobody has all the answers. It’s okay to be wrong, being wrong is how we learn.
It’s about progress not perfection.
Things always happen for a reason. It may not be immediately obvious what that reason is…be patient.
If there’s something you can do, then give it all you’ve got. If there’s nothing you can do, do nothing.
4. Talk. Find someone you can talk to openly and honestly. Turn to a relative or close friend however, if that’s not ideal seek the help of a professional like a psychologist or psychotherapist. Sometimes your spouse really isn’t the best person to talk to about this, which is okay. By talking through a worry quite often you get clairty into how silly it is and you can also see the adverse affects that it’s having on you. Talking to someone else gives you an opportunity to get a different take on the situation and can really help you to keep things in perspective. Talking through thoughts and feelings not only solidifies them for you but it can also shine light on any gaping holes in your logic, which is a great thing!
5. Trust. Learn to trust others as well as yourself. Trust in the abilities of others to handle their own situations, goals, ambitions or hardships. I realize that this is sometimes more difficult when it comes to family members that you love and want to see succeed. But trust that they are smart, well rounded, contributing members of society and even if they make a few mistakes along the way they will likely turn out just fine. Trust in the abilities of others to help you cope with things you’re unfamiliar with or don’t have a deep understanding of. As I mentioned above, nobody knows everything about everything including YOU and ME. Just as things you don’t understand aren’t “weird”, they aren’t worth worrying over either. You should also trust yourself. Trust that you do the very best with the resources you have available to you at the time. As you learn more you will likely kick yourself for jumping in when you did but you didn’t know that at the time so don’t be too hard on yourself.
6. Activities. Find something you enjoy doing that you can totally lose yourself in. What do you enjoy doing or have always wanted to try? Pottery, yoga, running, drawing, painting, building, organizing, cleaning. Whatever it is, do it. Getting outside when you can and taking in sunshine and fresh air can do wonders for the mind. Exercise not only improves your health and confidence it can also be a positive coping method for anxiety or depression as it releases mood-enhancing chemicals into the brain. Head outside and try a 30 minute walk at a brisk pace, ride your bike, roller-blade just get out and get moving it can be a very welcome distraction.
7.Get out of the fictitious future. When you worry it’s almost always about what might happen in the future. The thing about the future is we can’t predict it and even the most meticulous planning can’t always get you what you desire. Instead of worrying about what might happen, transition to focusing on what you have in the here and now, the present moment. Find joy in the little things on a daily basis and don’t give into the feeling of becoming overwhelmed by worry. That horrible thing you’re worrying about that may happen one day may never actually happen at all. You can’t change the outcome of anything simply by worrying about it, no matter how hard you try, so worrying really serves no good purpose.
Have some consideration for your spouse
It’s tough being the spouse of a worrier as well, you only have to ask my husband about it. It’s tough on them for a few reasons:
- Your spouse may feel they need to withhold or hide information from you because they know you’ll just worry about it.
- The physical and emotional manifestations of worry don’t just affect you. Lashing out at others, crying incessantly or generally being irritable is tough to handle on a regular basis, especially when it really has nothing to do with your spouse, worrying is all your OWN doing.
- When you worry you tend to talk about it ALL the time. It is truly all consuming. Your spouse may feel isolated, neglected or unimportant as all of your time is spent living and breathing the thing of worry.
A bit of advice to spouses of worriers:
- Try to be patient, supportive and understanding. I guarantee that worrying doesn’t make your spouse happy, in fact they likely don’t know how to stop it.
- Try working with your spouse to help them get educated on a subject they are currently worrying about. Find links to informative websites, books they can read, names of people (experts) they can call to get more information.
- Be a sounding board for your spouse, someone who they can turn to and express their concerns to. Be sure to set limits that work for both of you in terms of length of the discussion and the number of times you are willing to hear about the same concern. Once you both know the rules it’s easier to play the game.
Some people feel that if they don’t worry they don’t care and that is simply not true. You can care a great deal about someone or a particular situation and still not worry to the extent that it causes you discomfort or unhappiness. The key to this is truly realizing that worrying doesn’t help. It’s one thing to simply say okay I’ll try to not worry and it’s another to truly and honestly believe it. Nothing lasts forever, not time, money, people, animals, things, jobs, life and even the very situation you are worrying about right this very minute. I’ll leave you with a quote from the book The Art of Happiness: A Handbook for Living by HH The Dali Lama and Howard C. Cutler, that sums up the pointlessness of worrying quite well. It’ll take a bit of time but each day you can work at worrying a little bit less.
“If the situation or problem is such that it can be remedied, then there is no need to worry about it. … Alternatively, if there is no way out, no solution, no possibility of resolution, then there is also no point in being worried about it, because you can’t do anything about it anyway.” – HH The Dali Lama
See also:
How To Choose Goals And Ensure Success
Can You Really Live Each Day Like It’s Your Last?
How You Can Become A Catalyst For Change
Photo courtesy of: Dia™
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Comments
This is a GREAT follow-up to your previous post. I really enjoyed reading both of them and got a lot of great information from them. Your strategies are great!
Positively Present´s last blog ..find a balance between having hope and living now
Sherri,
This is an incredibly useful post!
I really like your point: “The physical and emotional manifestations of worry don’t just affect you.” I don’t think most of us take that into account. Your constant worry can impact your spouse, children (where do you think they learn to worry?), and your friends.
Roger – A Content Life´s last blog ..8 Thinking Traps
Hank and I have written a what we think is a humorous exchange about this topic. http://www.hankandnelia.com/files/category-travel.html.
With regards to supportive spouses, I couldn’t agree more with your second tip. I’m not so sure how well tip #3 (particularly the limiting part) would go over in the moment. I’d love to learn how you pull that off!
Writing of tip #2, I’m forwarding to Hank to see what he thinks…
Nelia´s last blog ..Is Your Relationship an Illusion? An Interview with Robert Scheinfeld
Hello Sherri
“Get out of the fictitious future”
Your article had a ton of fantastic advice, but I’d have to say the tip above is the best. Yes, worry is about something that might happen or might have happened. You don’t worry about something you know.
Being present is the solution to so many problems and it gets you out of the dead past and the fictitious future. Great job!
Stephen – Rat Race Trap´s last blog ..Don’t Be Offended
Sherri,
Your mantra point reminded me of a Richard Bandler audio in which he recommends to say say out loud to your worring mind, “Shut the *&^% up.” lol. Funny but sound advice as it breaks the pattern of negative mental chatter.
Sunny Jamiel´s last blog ..Life, Circles and the Shift
I have a quote on my desk that I refer to everyday to help keep me in the presnt and not worry about what might happen in the future:
You can’t change yesterday, but you can ruin today worrying about tomorrow.
“You’d worry less about what people thought of you if you knew how little they did.”
This is a great thing to remember. I also like to keep in mind that worrying is either about the past or the future and never about the present. If you want to live in the now, think in the now.
Frances´s last blog ..Roller Coasters
What resonated with me was that worry is used as a way to show you care and I also used worry as a kind of control.
But it took a while to let go of worry, like any bad habit.
Wilma Ham´s last blog ..What stopped me from finding my dream, my purpose.
Talking definitely helps me. It not only helps me get clarity but there’s something about taking all the rubbish that’s going on in my head and releasing it. Putting words to it, voicing it and having it heard somehow gives form to the formless and distance to what is close when it’s bubbling in my mind.
Without fail worry is less when I speak it. I don’t even need a response!
Ian | Quantum Learning´s last blog ..Heart of business
@ Positively Present – Thanks I’m glad you liked it!
@ Roger – You’re exactly right…I come from a long line of worriers but I’m not sure it’s entirely genetic. Do what I say not what I do doesn’t always work
@ Nelia – Knowledge is the best defense against worry. If you understand it and know what can be done or not (like the quote from the Dali Lama)…there’s no need to worry.
@ Stephen – Thanks Stephen I’m glad you liked it. Living in and focusing on the present has so many benefits and reducing worry is a big one for me.
@ Sunny Jamiel – LOL that’s funny! I can see how that would be effective, if nothing else it could break the tension if you find it humorous.
@ Carol – Welcome! That’s a brilliant phrase to refer to often. Sums everything up in one sentence I love it!
@ Frances – Hi Frances! You’re exactly right we worry about what might have been or what could be but never about what’s happening right now. Thanks for your comment.
@ Wilma Ham – That’s interesting I never thought of it as a method of control but it makes sense. I’m glad to hear that with time you’ve been able to kick the worrying habit.
@ Ian – That’s awesome! I love that you don’t even need a response. Sometimes it is just verbalizing what’s in your head to sort it all out and get perspective on the whole situation. That’s great and I’m glad you’ve found a method that works!