Do You React Or Respond?
Do you react or respond? Seems like a pretty simple question and initially you may miss the subtle difference between the two choices.
We’ve already established that nearly everything you do, you do by choice. From what clothes to wear to what you do for a living to watching TV or training for a marathon. They are all choices. So what is the difference between reacting and responding? For starters, one is a positive choice and the other is a negative choice. Following up on that, it’s not all about how it makes the other person feel it has just as much to do with how it makes you feel as well. Choosing whether you react or respond can have a dramatic affect on how your day, or life for that matter, unfolds. It can also have an impact on those around you and may just strain those relationships depending on what you choose.
Consider the following scenario:
A member of your family drops a vase and it smashes into a million tiny pieces.
At this precise moment you have a choice as to whether you react or respond.
Choice 1: React
Your reaction is the first thing that comes to you. Those thoughts and feelings that flash over you. You can allow those emotions to guide you as you march “right in there” and try to get to the bottom of it. Usually by doing this you make the other people around you feel uncomfortable, stupid, wrong, and intimidated, whether you intend to or not.
Allowing negative emotions to consume you and to allow yourself to continue acting through them won’t make the vase any less broken. Instead, you have allowed your reaction to one small incident, likely an accident, ruin the entire evening, weekend, or week. You have created a very hostile environment in which everyone, including yourself, feels very uncomfortable, on edge and tense. Depending on the severity of your reaction you may have done a fair bit of damage to those relationships and it can take a very long time to rebuild that connection and trust.
It’s not to say that having an initial reaction is wrong, in fact it’s completely normal. However, running with those emotions and doing or saying things that make others unhappy, as well as yourself, will only cause tension and strain relationships.
Choice 2: Respond
Your second choice is to respond, which is a much more positive approach. You can choose to have an outcome in which everyone walks away feeling good simply by putting a bit of distance between you and the event, either time or physical distance.
In this case when you hear the vase smash into a million little pieces it’s fine to rush in to make sure everyone is okay but once that’s established take a couple of seconds and breathe. Ask yourself these questions:
- Is this really a big deal? Odds are the answer to this question will always be no. There isn’t much in life that is ever REALLY a big deal. Denting a car, smashing a vase, leaving a door unlocked–all not big deals. Are they annoying? Are they unfair? Do they make you feel a bit angry? Sure. But they really aren’t big deals in the grand scheme of 90 years of your life.
- Was it intentional? Likely not. Most people aren’t inherently bad or out to get you. Most people don’t even make it their hobby to just tick you off. A lot of things are done by accident and are completely unintentional. Should people know better? Maybe. But does it help to get angry and act in a way that makes both them and YOU unhappy? Likely not.
- Is this worth ruining a relationship over? My guess is no. There are very few things, none that actually come to mind , that are worth ruining most relationships over. Things are things that’s it. Yes, you can become emotionally attached to things but, for me at least, the personal relationships that I have mean more to me than all the stuff I could ever acquire.
How to respond
1. Space. Create a gap between you and the stimulus, either time or distance. It doesn’t have to be for long but just enough for you to cool down put and things into perspective. Ask yourself the above three questions and decide on how to respond in a way that gets your point across but also leaves you feeling good about the way you handled yourself in the moment.
2. Compassion. Try to put yourself in the other persons’ shoes. How would you like to be treated if it were you that broke the vase? Keeping in mind it was most likely an accident. Would you like to be spoken down to, made to feel stupid, yelled at or disrespected? I didn’t think so. Neither would the other person, I can assure you.
3. Tone. Choose your tone carefully when speaking to someone over an incident that may have upset you. It’s not just what you say but how you say it.
4. Let it go. Once you’ve addressed the situation and have gotten your point across LET IT GO. The vase will be no less broken if you hold a grudge or draw the “punishment” out over a day, weekend or week. You’ve made your point so once it’s cleaned up move on. It comes back to the last question is this worth ruining a relationship over?
What to do when you react
Apologize. Yes, it’s really that simple. It’s not right to “fly off the handle” no matter how unfair you perceive things to be. It’s disrespectful and you can imagine how it would feel if you were on the receiving end, not so great.
To some of you this may come as a bit of a shock but, you’re not perfect. No one is. We all make mistakes, we all say dumb things occassionally, we’re only human after all. Not only is it important to apologize to the other person, it is also important to forgive yourself. Don’t get hung up on it. Take note of how you feel and what you did or said. Remember these actions and feelings the next time you’re presented with a less than ideal situation, and don’t make it a repeat performance.
To say “I can’t help it” or “I’m just hot headed” doesn’t cut it. You do have a choice. Get control over yourself and revel in the feeling of empowerment that comes from it. Choose to feel proud of the way you respond to situations however, don’t expect an overnight transformation this is something that takes work. Treat people with the kindness and respect they deserve and next time choose to respond not to react.
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This is great stuff, Sherri! My favorite part is this:
“Is this worth ruining a relationship over? My guess is no. There are very few things, none that actually come to mind , that are worth ruining most relationships over.”
This is such a powerful way of thinking about things, and the world would be a much better place if we all viewed things from this perspective.
Jay Schryer’s last blog post..Mindful Meditation Monday, Week 4
Awesome! I’ve never thought about whether I react or respond, but I definitely think I’m a reacter. I need to work on this and you’ve given me some great ideas to start thinking about how to respond. Thanks!
Positively Present’s last blog post..trust me: to be happy you need to trust
Beautiful post, Sherri. This is a lesson I had to learn pretty quickly when I became a mom. We have a natural tendency to just react (often over-react), but when we do that with kids it really affects them in profound ways. Now my first reaction is to breathe, and think for a moment as to how I want to respond.
It has made all the difference in the world.
Lisis | Quest For Balance’s last blog post..How To Cultivate Serenity, A Simple Guide
Sherri,
I love your detailed example! A measured, thoughtful response is the goal. I try hard to respond, but sometimes I fail and react (usually with anger). I’m pretty good at apologizing though.
I would like to add that a response could be negative and still be appropriate. If somebody did break the vase intentionally, anger may be the appropriate response to help the person learn about appropriate behavior.
Roger – A Content Life’s last blog post..Meditation for Beginners (Week 6) – Next Steps
Nicely said Sherri.
Reaction come from the habit-mind. Response, if we are present, comes from spirit.
Kaushik’s last blog post..Acceptance – 7th Awakening is Simple book excerpt
I am, most of the time, a reactor. I don’t like that. I want to surrender to responsiveness. Thank you for sharing such thoughtful, compassionate insights on this. Very helpful!
Megan at Simple Kids’s last blog post..Connecting with Nature: Challenge #1
nice, i do agree to all wahtever points u raised in your conversation here. if i apply this to my life i find whatever u said i did the same many times, REACTED BADLY n strained and spoiled relationships.ALAS!
wish to learn something from todays post,so wish me good luck.
Manish.
Hi Sherri,
I absolutely agree with you that “I can’t help it” or “I’m just hot headed” doesn’t cut it. I’ve been so guilty of the latter cos’ I’m pretty quick tempered. I haven’t found the remedy for it yet, but I do try to assert more self-control nowadays.
Cheers~
Mark
Mark Foo | TheBigDreamer.com’s last blog post..My New Blog Tagline: Personal Development For Big Dreamers
I remember once coming across a Buddhist saying that I think simply went “Think twice.” Before saying anything, take a moment to be sure that’s what you want to say and how you want to say it. Easier said than done!
@ Jay – You’re not kidding! It would have to be something pretty terrible to risk ruining a relationship over. I try to keep that one at the forefront of my mind.
@ PP – I’m glad you like it. It can be a slow process shifting from reacting to responding but it’s important to at least work towards it. Good luck
@ Lisis – Yeah kids definitely give you ample opportunity to work on this one. Like I say it can be a slow process but I too am getting there. Breathing is good and then going through the questions just gives me a bit of distance and time to think.
@ Roger – It’s good that you are good at apologizing that’s huge! I agree that anger can be an appropriate response some of the time but getting over it and moving becomes even more important if that’s the case. Talking things through and genuinely trying to understand the other persons position is what is currently working the best for me. Thanks for your comment!
@ Kaushik – Very nicely said! Thank you for that and it makes me happy to know that you enjoyed the post.
@ Megan – It’s always tough when we act in a way that makes us a little less than proud. Reacting often leaves us in this position but with time, patience and practice you can make responding your primary method of dealing with tricky situations.
@ manish – Welcome! Thanks so much for your comment I’m glad you liked the post. There are very few things worth ruining relationships over. I hope you are able to work towards putting distance between you and a particular situation, allowing you to respond in a manner that’s respectful to everyone.
@ Mark – It’s great that you are at least aware of it and are making an effort to be more self aware. There are a lot of people that simply fly off the handle and then wonder why everyone’s ticked. I wish you the best!
@ Paul Maurice Martin – Welcome! Beautifully said! That’s exactly right. Once you say something you’re not able to take it back so pausing and thinking it through first is great advice! Thanks for your comment.
Hi Sherri,
I think a lot of people recognize the value in responding as opposed to reacting, but don’t have a step-by-step method for actually learning to respond in the moment.
My strategy is similar: I’ve trained an ‘acceptance reflex’ in myself. The first thing I do (except when I’m already being really reactive) is just say to myself “Ok, so this is what’s happening. What should I do?”
“Ok, what should I do?” is always a helpful question to ask oneself, but I think our culture trains us to ask “What should have happened?” or “Who’s to blame?” more often.
David Cain: last blog ..How to Get Comfortable Not Knowing