Earlier this year, Leo at Zen Habits posed this question to his readers: “How Do You Find People Who Make You Happy?” There was a large response to this question, some 170 comments. Having been in a similar situation a few years ago when we moved to Australia without knowing a soul, I would have found the responses to a post like this very encouraging. I have read each and every comment and classified each suggestion and the results are pretty interesting.
Happiness is something a vast majority of people are in pursuit of and it’s something we all want. Although there were a fair number of people who felt personal happiness comes from within and is independent of those around you, many more interpreted the question a little more broadly i.e. how do you go about meeting people that make you happy to be around?
All of the suggestions were great. What was interesting was they could all be boiled down to just 4 suggestions.
How to make friends that you enjoy being around
1. Find an interest. Find something that interests you and start doing it. This was the most common suggestion on how to meet people in a new place. Actively participate in activities that interest you. By doing so you are naturally surrounded by people with similar interests. Similarly, befriending coworkers or school mates might be easier for you than approaching a complete stranger – you know you have at least one thing in common already.
Consider finding a hobby, joining a sports team, or the local church. Try volunteering, taking or teaching a course, or joining a gym. The possibilities are endless. The toughest part will be deciding what to pursue. If you focus on something you’re passionate about it can also be a great personal experience.
2. Take initiative. Sounds easy right? Just walk up to someone, say “hi” and introduce yourself. It’s not that easy for everyone. Depending on your personality, whether you’re introverted or extroverted, I realize that this approach could be very difficult; but it is very effective. Put yourself out there, step outside of your comfort zone and take a chance. Too often people sit around quietly blaming others for their current state of unhappiness. But it’s a lot more empowering if you take responsibility and ownership of your own situation (such as having no friends in a new place) and making a change to improve it.
When you meet people, take time to fully understand who these people are and make genuine connections with them. Be open, interested and willing to get out there and interact. Moping around in solitude will get you no closer to your goal. Take control, go out and get what you want.
3. Be happy yourself. Like-attracts-like. It particularly applies to making friends and establishing meaningful relationships. If you imagine being approached by someone who is miserable, down, and negative, how does that make you feel? Will you want to spend a lot of time with this person? Will you want to form a long lasting friendship? Not likely. Work on being happy yourself and you will naturally attract similar people. So smile, be friendly and genuine and it’ll go a long way.
Be grateful. Appreciate and honor what you have instead of focusing on what you do not. This is much more constructive and will result in greater happiness for you overall.
4. Use social media. In today’s world social media is huge. It can link people from all over the world in a matter of nanoseconds. Just think of how many social media sites you are a part of Twitter, Facebook, MySpace, LinkedIn, StumbleUpon, Reddit, Meetup.com etc…
Social media sites create a sense of community and provide a variety of ways for people to interact. You can meet people locally that are in a similar situation to yours – new to the city and without any connections. Use it as a tool but realize that nothing beats the connection that’s made when you meet someone face to face.
It’s completely normal to feel like a fish out of water when you arrive at a new place, not knowing anyone. This is especially true if there is the added difficulty of cultural or language barriers. Don’t expect to have a tight network of friends right away; it takes time, sometimes months even years. Be patient, be persistent, take initiative and put yourself out there. There are truly great people all around you just waiting to be your friend.
See also:
Form Meaningful Relationships
3 Important Questions To Consider
How You Can Become A Catalyst For Change
How To Be The Person You Want To Be
Photo courtesy of: greekadman
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Comments
Sherri,
Excellent tips! My favorite is “Be happy yourself”. I’ve found that when I’m happy that it’s very easy to meet other people that are also happy. Unfortunately, the converse is also true.
Roger – A Content Life’s last blog post..Meditation for Beginners (Week 1) – Introduction
Very good ideas! Like Roger said, I think the best one is “Be happy yourself”. I’ve found that when I’m happy, positive, and upbeat, I don’t have any problems making new friends or meeting people. But when I’m down or depressed, it’s like I emanate those negative vibes, and people stay away.
It can be hard when I’m in a depressed state, because usually, that’s when I feel like I need to make friends even more so than when I’m *not* depressed. One trick that I have learned is to rely on established friendships when feeling down, but to search out new friendships when I’m feeling more positive and upbeat. In that way, I can attract more people who are naturally positive, and can help me when I’m feeling down, just as I try to help them when they are feeling down. I think one of the oldest sayings is the most true: To get a friend, be a friend.
Jay Schryer’s last blog post..Naming Desires
Great post! It’s easy to find friends, but it’s much harder to find friends whose company you really enjoy. I especially agree with the “be happy yourself” idea. If you are happy, you will attract happiness to you.
Positively Present’s last blog post..13 ways you distort your thoughts (and how to stop doing it)
Many people may not relate, but I find that energetic awareness really helped me. In other words, being aware of what I feel and perceive in others. Before this, I denied “bad vibes” that I’d perceive, and think it was me – and then put up barriers to connecting with others. With discernment also came more openness to connect to the people I really wanted to.
Thanks for the tips! I’ve found true friends and I can say that they should really be treasured. It is good if you find ones that share your interests, but it is also a blessing to find some who are a bit different from you so they can open new doors from where you are.
Jocelyn of I TAKE OFF THE MASK’s last blog post..Life Skills – Words of Wisdom to Live Life Fully!
Being able to be happy myself (and show it) was what finally made me a social person. I think I gave a lot of bad impressions. Often I wasn’t even unhappy, I just didn’t wear my mood on my sleeve.
I am astounded at the growing potential for social media. I’m getting to know a lot of people who I’ve never met in the flesh. We can never imagine where it’ll be in 5 or 10 years.
David Cain’s last blog post..Powerful Lessons My Mom Did Not Teach Me
Moving to Australia has transformed my life as well. Life experience teaches one can be happy anywhere because how you feel is a choice. It begins and ends in the mind. By the way, I found your blog through a comment you left on the Happy Lotus blog. Look forward to returning. Happy Mother’s Day!
Liara Covert’s last blog post..Unleash the real you!
Am enjoying this blog more with every new post I read. Thank you for this. I can’t believe you read all the responses to Leo’s post!
At one time, I was surrounded by a bunch of friends that weren’t friends I really wanted to have — negative people, jealous, competitive, eager to complain or jump on someone with little provocation. (I know. How did I end up with them?) Anyway … I basically let go of those friendships and learned to create new ones with the kind of friends I’d want.
A couple of things (in addition to your list) that helped me were to:
~be my own best friend first
~become the kind of friend others would want to have
~go with my gut – I’ve never proved it wrong, but it’s seen me fall flat on my face a couple of times
p.s. Where are you in Australia? My fiance is from Melbourne (the Ashburton area).
Chania Girl’s last blog post..The Hostess With the Mostest?
Hi everyone! Thanks a bunch for your comments you’re all great!
@ Roger – That was the suggestion from Leo’s readers that I liked the most. If you’re happy yourself you will likely find yourself in good positive company it’s great!
@ Jay – That’s a great point, I find when I’m down as well that’s when I want to retreat and just be alone but it’s actually the time I should be with good positive people to help get me out of my funk!
@ Positively Present – I’d agree with that. It’s easy to meet people that share a common interest if you are able to participate in a public activity that interests you. Hopefully the people you meet will be interesting enough that you’ll truly and sincerely enjoy their company.
@ Matthew – That’s great and I can totally relate! Awareness is really important at the beginning when establishing any relationship. Being willing to accept others openly (at least at first) gives you a chance to see what they are really like and you’re less likely to miss out on a potentially great relationship even if the “first impressions” are a bit off.
@ Jocelyn – I totally agree that differences are good too! I think having at least one common tie opens the door to establishing a relationship but the differences can certainly make it interesting
@ David – I know exactly where you’re coming from. I tend to wear my emotions on my sleeve so you pretty well know where I am at any given moment. Gwynn on the other hand is very reserved and introverted which also gives people bad impressions. People tend to think he’s ticked, in a bad mood or uninterested because he’s quiet and doesn’t wear his emotions on his sleeves, when in actuality he can be in a great mood. It’s good to know that showing it worked well for finally making you a social person.
@ Liara – You’re right happiness is definitely a choice and that’s not always obvious to people. I’m glad you found us it’s great to have you here. Nadia’s site is wonderful so happy and positive, if any of you haven’t checked out her site yet you should http://www.happylotus.com
@ Chania girl – Welcome and thank you for the kind words! It took a while to get through all the comments but it was a great exercise. Like I say in my post the responses to Leo’s question would have been really encouraging. I think it’s great that you took stock of the relationships you had, ended the ones that weren’t working for you and established new ones.
We moved to Adelaide, South Australia in early 2002 and moved back to Canada in late 2005. It was a great experience and such a lovely place to live for that time. We visited Melbourne several times while we were there and LOVED that city!
Thanks so much for your comment.
I especially agree with “finding an interest” and “use social media.” I practice Brazilian Jiu-jitsu and the amazing thing about the art is that it attracts people from every corner of life. From just being present I have developed friendships, been invited to social events and have connected with people that truly have similar interests.
When I started to blog about it I began to communicate with people all over the world, had icons of the art/sport contact me through my site and have been nominated for best BJJ blog two years in a row. I didn’t win though
I have also found that if you are truly passionate about what you do you will have no problems in attracting people to your social media work either. By the way I get more people to go to my hobby (passion) social media sites than any other blogs I work on.
Bakari’s last blog post..Try and Relax….