We were at the mall a few weeks ago and stopped for a bite to eat. At the table next to us was a gentleman sitting with a couple of young kids. When they were done eating they got up and the man began dressing the youngest boy in his winter gear to take him outside. The little boy was having none of it. This little one complained, squirmed and put on quite the show while dad was trying to get him dressed .
Then the dad, visibly annoyed and frustrated said “Come on! Let’s go! Put your boots on!…Hurry up!…Let’s go!…Do up your jacket!” I was a little taken aback, but I also didn’t know the whole situation and certainly wasn’t aware of the circumstances leading up to this exchange. As I’m now a parent, I am quite aware of the frustration that sometimes comes along with trying to get your kids to do anything they not keen on doing. I am certainly not judging that father in anyway for how he behaved.
What really struck me was that I say exactly the same words to our son when getting him ready to leave the house in the winter, so what makes me different from that stressed out father at the end of his rope in the mall? My tone. The words are the same, but how I say them is very very different. When I say these things it’s always in a light, “let’s make it a game” tone and my son responds really well to that, so it works for me. It was interesting to me because this was really the first time the phrase “it’s not what you say but how you say it” really hit home.
Complexity of communication
At its most basic level communication is simply the transfer of information from one thing to another. Add people to the mix each with different histories and experiences and suddenly communication becomes very complex. Communication extends beyond the words used and language spoken to include things like tone, volume, expression as well as non-verbal cues like eye contact and body language.
As an example, take the following phrase: “OK, let’s go”. Try saying it out loud with no expression, harmless right? Try saying it with a smile, sound chipper and excited to go. A positive statement right? Now, try saying it loud, emphasizing every word, tilting your head to one side and sighing at the end. Suddenly this simple and harmless statement becomes rather unpleasant.
It can also depend on our relationship with the other person as well. If you’re chatting with a close friend and you know their personality it’s easier to interpret the message or to know what they mean even though it’s not necessarily what they said. If you’ve just met someone and don’t really know what they’re like it can be difficult to differentiate sarcasm and jokes from sincerity.
It’s not JUST how you say it either
Think about all the different ways you communicate. There’s email, letters, instant messaging, and twitter all of these methods don’t require a spoken word but the complexity is the same if not increased. Think about how many times you’ve either had one of your emails misinterpreted or have misinterpreted one yourself.
For instance, DID YOU KNOW THAT WRITING IN ALL CAPS could be taken as anger and not just enthusiasm, emphasis or excitement? The same goes for formatting (bolding or italicizing) and exclamation marks!!!! In case you haven’t noticed I’m a fan of the exclamation mark but I use it with the intent of communicating enthusiasm. However, I can see how my overuse of the simple exclamation mark could be interpreted as being pushy or trying to make a point.
What you may consider to be harmless may be interpreted in as many ways as there are readers of your message. Be aware of this and give a little extra thought before pressing the send button may just save a whole lot of heart ache down the road.
It may not have anything to do with YOU
How many times have you said something, seemingly harmless, to someone only to have them snap back at you or respond with aggression? Our reactions to what a person communicates can largely be influenced by our mood or what happened immediately before this current exchange.
Imagine you have just come from a meeting with your boss where she’s said you’ve been doing a fabulous job. She continues to sing your praises and hints towards a promotion in the near future. You are on cloud nine! As you leave her office a fellow coworker comes up and asks you to rework a proposal you had put together because, in their opinion, it’s just not that good. You’re likely to just let it roll off your back, no big deal right? You smile, say “sure no problem” then happily take the proposal and start reworking it.
Now, imagine you have just come from a meeting with your boss where she informs you that your performance isn’t good enough. She also mentions that you are not meeting her expectations and that over the next month she’ll be watching you very closely to make sure you improve. At the end of the meeting she hints towards a layoff if you don’t improve your game. As you leave her office your coworker asks you to rework the proposal because, in their opinion, it’s just not that good. This time do you let the comment roll off your back or are you more likely to snap, burst into tears or verbally attack them?
Notice how the stimulus (your coworker) doesn’t change but your response certainly does. It’s important to be aware of this. The next time someone snaps at you for something that is relatively harmless think first about how and if it could have been taken the wrong way and then secondly remember that they could be having a terrible day and this is the last straw.
Similarly, consider your reaction to someone else. Were you being unfair in responding the way you did? Are you just having a bad day? Are you just in a bad mood? Having enough self-awareness can stop you from acting in a way that makes you feel unhappy with yourself and is potentially disrespectful to others.
Final thoughts
- Think before you speak
- Give people the benefit of the doubt, they could be having a bad day
- Apologize if you react negatively to an otherwise harmless situation
- Consider all things that go into communicating like tone, expression, volume, font size, formatting etc…
- Read and re-read before you hit the send button
Communication is complex. Take away the interpersonal aspect – face to face contact, visual cues and body language and you haven’t got much left to work with. Try to gain an understanding of who you’re trying to communicate with. What is their background? What are their experiences? And remember that your message and intent may be harmless but it’s not always WHAT you say, it’s all in HOW you say it.
See also:
Keeping It Short And Sweet: Anatomy Of A Thank You Note
Stand Your Ground, But Only On The Important Stuff
Get Rich, Stay Rich – Emotional Bank Accounts
Photo courtesy of: Matthew Fang
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Comments
These are all very good points! Communications experts say that an estimated 70-90% of all communications are non-verbal. We rely on facial expression, tone of voice, and body language far more than we rely on the actual words themselves. This is why it’s so important to have face-to-face interactions with people as often as possible. Even over the telephone, the message can get distorted too easily. With email and texting, the problem is compounded almost exponentially.
Whenever you have something very important to discuss, having the conversation face-to-face is critical. It’s far too easy for meanings to get lost when we can’t use 75-90% of our “listening” skills.
Jay Schryer’s last blog post..Spiritual Decluttering
Sherri,
Wow, that was a good article with sound advice. Stumbled.
Hi Sherri,
In my day job, ninety percent of the cases we have all boils down to how someone said something or did something. I think most people assume that the other person knows what they are thinking but they don’t. So delivery is so important and is so underestimated by society. Good for you for bringing this subject to the attention of others!
Nadia – Happy Lotus’s last blog post..How I Met a Real Life Master Yoda
Sherri,
Great advice! I think another useful point is to think about WHEN you say something. When I want to say something that is sensitive, I try to wait for the right moment.
Roger – A Content Life’s last blog post..Prepare to Die
@Roger,
Couldn’t agree with you more. Sometimes my wife just wants me to listen and not say anything. Saying at the right time is almost as important as chosing the right tone.
I couldn’t agree more with this article. Communication is so important to a happy life. Poor communication leads to bad relationships and misunderstandings. Establishing open and honest relationships is a product of good communication. And communicating well is all about what you say and how you say it. There are millions of different ways to communicate the same point, but certain ways are much better than others.
It’s definitely a life long process, but it is vital to success in almost any endeavor!
Thanks for to great article.
William Womack’s last blog post..First Podcast: Consciousness 101
@ Jay – I totally agree that we rely heavily on non-verbal cues which is why it’s so important to make sure we’re writing what we mean and in a way that leaves very little room for interpretation.
@ Sunny Jamiel – Thanks! I’m glad you like it and welcome to our site. Thanks for the Stumble and the RT !
@ Nadia – Precisely we’re not mind readers, contrary to what a lot of people think
Being clear and direct in our message is key.
@ Roger – Good point! Waiting for the right moment is very important. If you know someone has just stepped out of a meeting where it’s all gone horribly wrong, probably best to just let them be for a while and not dump more bad news or criticism on them. I agree.
@ RYM – Thanks for your comment. Listening is a vital part of effective communication thank you for bringing that up! Once you feel the other person has gotten their point across you can interject with advice or support but it’s knowing when to do it, and that’s kind of an art
@ William – Welcome and thanks for your comment. Open and honest communication is very important. Also not being shy to ask for clarification if you don’t understand something fully or feel that you may have incorrectly interpreted what was said. It’s not always safe to just assume.
Enjoyed your article.
I’ve obviously taught my kids well. They now point out when I snap or raise my voice by saying “Mum you don’t normally speak like that, is something wrong?”
Here’s hoping I have three caring and thoughtful new age sensitive men when they grow up.
Peace, love and chocolate
Carole
Carole – Rejuvenation Lounge’s last blog post..How To Focus On One Thing At A Time:
This is even tougher when you’re dealing with different languages and culture. What’s normal language use in Spanish (Close the door! said loudly) is totally rude in English (Could you please close the door? said softly).
Two years of living in Spain and I still cringe sometimes when people say things to me. Fortunately I’ve learned to be more direct and my bf has learned to speak a little less forcefully.
Alex Fayle | Someday Syndrome’s last blog post..7 Little Somedays You Didn’t Know About Me
@ Carole – Welcome! I’m glad you liked the article. I think you’re off to a great start with your kids if they’re responding to your raised voice in that way
@ Alex – Excellent point! I found the same thing with some of the people we met overseas. They were extremely direct and to the point very unlike almost all Canadians I know. Initially I found this to be very off putting but in the end came to really appreciate it.