Love Is A Verb
Most of us think of love as a feeling; an emotion that washes over us when we meet that right person. At first we’re swept up with everything they do and can’t wait to see them again. All emotions are cranked up to the max and the intense brightness lights up everything. We’re happy. We’re in love.
As time slowly passes the feeling starts to fade — it’s still very bright but the madness of it all has tapered and leveled out. You aren’t always consumed by what your love is doing or thinking. You’re off that initial high.
As more time passes real world problems begin to surface. What drew you to that person is now beginning to get on your nerves: financial problems, disagreements, or annoying habits. The rose colored glasses are off and what you see before you is a real person, the fantasy you initially fell in love with is fading away and replaced with a real person.
From The 7 Habits of Highly Effective Families by Stephen Covey:
“My wife and I just don’t have the same feelings for each other that we used to have. I guess I just don’t love her anymore, and she doesn’t love me. What can I do?”
“The feeling isn’t there anymore?” Stephen inquired.
“That’s right,” the man affirmed “and we have three children we’re really concerned about. What do you suggest?”
“Love her,” Covey replied
“I told you, the feeling just isn’t there anymore.”
“Love her.”
“You don’t understand. The feeling of love just isn’t there.”
“Then love her. If the feeling isn’t there, that’s a good reason to love her.”
“But how do you love when you don’t love?”
“My friend, love is a verb. Love – the feeling – is a fruit of love the verb. So love her. Sacrifice. Listen to her. Empathize. Appreciate. Affirm her. Are you willing to do that?”
Love is a verb. It’s an action requiring your involvement your active participation. You cannot sit back and expect the world will serve it to you. You cannot expect that your relationship will continue to provide love while you’re not putting in any effort. Love has to be earned and must be continually fought for.
Think about what you’ve done lately to earn love. What actions have you taken?
Are YOU willing to…
1. Sacrifice. When we enter a relationship we can be overwhelmed by the sheer amount of change that takes place. We change who we are as people. Our lifestyle, our habits, our hobbies all change. But giving up a part of ourselves is a sacrifice that we need to be willing to make in order to receive something greater in return. A relationship – a marriage, is a joint venture that requires continual work, improvement, and commitment. If you find yourself asking “Well what have you done for me lately?” be careful. This is certainly not in the spirit of making a relationship work, acting as if you’re on the same team or cultivating love in the relationship. If fact, asking this type of selfish question is usually a deal breaker in the end.
2. Listen. I find that most men have a rather strong urge to solve the problem when talking about any issue. I don’t mean to make this a broad sweeping statement it’s just an observation of the men I’ve talked to in my life. Similarly, women can be so chatty, on guard or defensive at times, that the men can’t get a word in edgewise and when they do we jump all over them without hearing them out. A sure fire way to let someone know that you care about them is to simply listen. Listen without judgement, criticism or handy hints to solving the problem. Sometimes we all just need a quiet supportive ear.
3. Empathize. Empathy is the ability to share and understand someone else’s emotions as if they were our own. This can have a profound effect on the type of relationship you have with another human being – it creates a very deep and meaningful bond. Everyone is capable of empathy but not everyone has mastered it. Imagine what it’s like being your partner. What do they go through? Just for a moment try becoming the other person and truly seeing the world through their eyes. You’ll likely get a greater appreciation for who they are, what they do, and what they’ve overcome.
4. Appreciate. Appreciation is an expression of gratitude. When you appreciate a loved one you are saying that they are a special and significant part of your life. Take a minute and think of the ways you have shown appreciation of someone you love – a spouse, a family member or a close friend. You don’t need to buy expensive gifts or go on extravagant holidays to show appreciation. Next time you want to show appreciation for a loved one try simply saying thank you, spend some alone time together, and listen to each other keeping it positive and upbeat. Appreciation asks for nothing in return but it gives everything.
5. Affirm. When you pay attention and focus on the ones you love most you can tune into what makes them tick. By paying attention you can incorporate loving actions and words into every day that affirm what they mean to you. Affirmations include physical contact like hugging and holding hands or running your fingers through their hair. It also includes giving time, attention, gifts, or kind words. Your affirmation of the one you love should not be conditional to reciprocity (i.e. don’t wait and simply do it in return) . Relinquish the fear of looking soft and go out on a limb and affirm your partner FIRST. Show him that you care about the real, authentic, and imperfect him. That you’re there for him always even as others come and go.
Love isn’t just a feeling that washes over you and lasts a lifetime. It is a gift that requires attention, work and dedication. What you put into that love is what you will receive back. Why not change how you think of love today? Make the change — love is more than just a word — love is a verb.
Photo courtesy of: Salva [Om Qui Voyage]
See also:
10 Ways You Can Add A Spark to Your Relationship Today
Selfless Acts-Do Something Nice to Restore Faith in Humanity
Is Keeping Score Making You Unhappy?
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Mondays are Personal Development day at Serene Journey. We will share with you interesting concepts and ideas that we have learned and give you practical tips on how to apply them to your life. If you have any suggestions for this series feel free to drop us an email or leave them in the comments.
Sherri,
You always write such great posts but this one really was full of love. Yes, love is a verb and sharing your life with another is an interesting journey. I often say that marriage is a great ride because of all the things you go through.
When I was first married, I would get upset if my husband didn’t do things the exact way that I wanted and then I realized through a series of events, that I had to love him unconditionally. The little things that he did were a part of who he was and I had to see them for what they were. He wasn’t trying to upset me, he just was doing what he thought was best.
Once I got that, I learned to cope with things much better. Communication is key and love is a constant thing. One of my friends who is single thinks once you get married, the challenges stop. I laugh and tell her, that is when they begin. But despite of all that, love is the best thing in the world and in the end, it is all that matters!
Nadia-Happy Lotus’s last blog post..The Power of Peace
I like to think of love and relationships as bank accounts. Sometimes you add to the love account by doing the things you describe and sometimes you withdraw by accepting those things. But if you overdraw the account, the relationship is damaged and you may be penalized with divorce.
Roger – A Content Life’s last blog post..30 Days of Mindful Eating – Day 14
This is so important … not only for people in happy relationships, but for co-dependent types, abused lovers, the Rihannas of this world. He may say “I love you”, and he may even get all romantic and swoony and emotional, but if he does not TREAT you with love, you don’t need it. Passion and moonlight and roses are not love. It’s those things you listed, sacrifice and listening, etc.
Regina’s last blog post..Reflections on Eucharist
what a beautiful and practical post Sherri! I loved it! It reminded me of a time about 2 years into my marriage. We were feeling really stretched to our limit after having our first (colicky) baby and I was feeling down about our relationship (feeling needy). I decided to turn the situation on its head. I wrote out 30 small things I could do (acts) for Mike that would be thoughtful or nice. Like get his car cleaned, make his lunch for work, pick up the dry cleaning, iron his shirts for the week, leave a note on his car window, text him something nice during the day, set out candles for dinner, ect ect. Then everyday I’d look through the list and do one thing. I can’t tell you how good it made ME feel and how healing it was for US! Your post is so so true!
Lisa @ WellGrounded Life’s last blog post..Mastering the Mini-Task
Wow, this was a powerful post. The title says it all, and I like the way you explained and gave suggestions for how to love. I have to remember to appreciate and affirm more. Thanks Sherri!
Daphne’s last blog post..Can You Become Richer In A Recession?
@ Nadia – Thanks for the kind words and for sharing your story of when you first got married. I’m glad you were able to move past your own expectations and accept your husband for who he is, I’m sure you’re much happier now because of it. There are a lot of people who share the same view point as your friend. The challenges certainly don’t stop once you get married, they may change a bit, but they never stop
@ Roger – Yes the emotional bank account is a great metaphor. You’re right, the more loving and kind things you do for someone the greater you are “in the plus” so a tiny withdrawal is quickly forgiven as it is pretty out of character. However, with no “savings” and if you keep withdrawing, your relationship certainly won’t last too long. Thanks for bringing this up it’s another really important concept!
@ Regina – Thanks so much for your comment. You’re right that all the “fluff”, as I like to call it, isn’t really love. This stuff can be used to show appreciation for someone but if that’s all your relationship is based on, in my opinion, it’s not really on a solid foundation. I agree that this message is important for everyone. I know reading that passage from Covey’s book certainly changed the way I viewed love.
@ Lisa – Thanks so much for the kind words and for sharing your experience as well. I can relate a bit to how you felt after having your first child, although our first was not colicky – that added stress I can only try to imagine. But good for you for taking the initiative and playing an active role in turning that situation around, how empowering! I love the idea of making a list of 30 things to do for your loved one and doing one of those things everyday that’s awesome! I’m very happy for you that you were able to recover and, by the sounds of it, are now in a much happier place.
@ Daphne – Thanks! I’m glad you liked the post. I always love it when people include practical suggestions in their articles on how to implement the ideas they’re trying to get across. I’m glad you like it too
Thanks again for your comment.
This is great advice, Sherri! Thank you!
Michael – Love to Spare’s last blog post..True Brotherhood
@ Michael – No worries Michael. I’m glad you liked it
This is such a lovely post. While the initial ‘falling in love’ is fun, it never stays for long. It’s real love that gives meaning and fulfillment and, as you point out, it starts with ourselves. Thanks, Sherri!
Laurie | Express Yourself to Success’s last blog post..Good Reads: Happiness
@ Laurie – Thanks I’m glad you liked the post. It really does start with ourselves and our own thoughts of what love really is. All the material things are nice, but it’s the *real* love that forms a strong foundation of a relationship. Thanks for your comment.
Just came across your blog. It is very insightful. Just the other night we were visiting with my cousin who is breaking up with his wife. It was a very sad and frustrating conversation. After he left, my husband said “as corny as this sounds, I can’t imagine my life without you” ahhh! I relate to your tips above. Since I have met my husband, I have changed a lot and so has he. We changed for each other. I now take an interest in what interests him and vice versa. The biggest success factor in our relationship is our honesty even if it is the brutal truth.
Mgr Mom
mommyvsmanager.net
Mgr Mom’s last blog post..Overcoming Adversity
@ Mgr Mom – Hi and welcome! I’m glad you like our site. It’s really nice to hear that you and your husband have that kind of relationship. So many people say “don’t change for anybody” but I personally don’t agree. Gwynn and I certainly aren’t the same people we were when we first met. We’ve grown and changed together over the past 11 years of marriage. For us open and honest communication is the most important, like you said, no matter how brutal. Thanks so much for your comment.
Hi Sherri
Hmmm not sure how to comment on this. I can imagine we could have a very interesting exploration of what ‘love’ is and is not. I’ll drop a few thoughts off the top of my head.
I agree that ‘love’ is not an emotion though it’s often used as a short cut to describe several very enjoyable feelings (excitement, warmth, joy, sexual tension, among others). As long as those involved understand the short cut then it’s ok.
When it’s used as a verb I also think it’s a short-cut for several things we do, some of which you’ve named in the post (listen, empathise, appreciate, affirm). There are many others I might add eg. give attention, care for, share.
Personally I see ‘love’ as the flow and connection between myself and other people. With some, that flow is very strong and with others much weaker. The ‘love’ actions I take are expressions of that flow, and the ‘love’ emotions are one of the results.
I had a strong reaction to seeing ‘sacrifice’ on your list, and right now I’m not sure why so I’ll not comment in relation to that.
And just in case it’s not so clear, I really enjoyed this post!
Ian Peatey’s last blog post..Stop making me happy!
@ Ian – This passage from Covey’s book really struck a chord with me. A lot of people equate love to that first initial rush of emotions you get when entering a relationship. After a while those feeling start to fade. Some look at that as something wrong with their relationship and leave in an attempt to find it again.
I think for a lot of people it’s not obvious that love is a choice. By choosing to love in the verb sense of the word it can result in those enjoyable feelings that most people search for.
I really appreciate your comment and I’m glad you enjoyed the post.
There’s so much in the word “love”. And there’s always something more.
To say love is very I don’t disagree with, but also to say that it’s more. If love is only things you do, then that would exclude the receiving too. And the just being with another person, which is a deeper side of love. That’s a side of listening, but it’s more. Without being, the phrase “you can only love someone else as much as you love yourself” makes no sense. Because when you are able to truly be with another at a deep level, loving yourself is loving another – and vice versa.
Matthew | Polaris Rising’s last blog post..The story of the cat who did things differently
@ Matthew – Welcome! You make some good points and you’re right that if it were ONLY a verb the receiving of love from someone else would be difficult. The point I was trying to emphasize, like I said to Ian, is when people equate love to the initial rush of emotions they feel like something is wrong with their relationship when those feelings start to fade (which inevitably they do). But love is a choice and you can get those feelings back, IMO. Thanks for contributing to the conversation!
“A lot of people equate love to that first initial rush of emotions you get when entering a relationship. After a while those feeling start to fade. Some look at that as something wrong with their relationship” I think I am one of this people…:) It is scary when you lose that initial rush of being madly in love.. and sometimes it’s hard to be loving when you go through something at the same time, ( a flashback from the past; which it did affect my current relationship but I didn’t want any of the past to remind me but It takes time I guess). And at the same times when you lose that feeling of “Infatuation or the Romantic love or the thing you call falling in love” it is scary and you’ll think you’ve lost the feeling of love but after reading your article I think I understand now that when you’re off the initial high, this is when you have to embrace and love the person even in his imperfections…
Do I make a lot of sense?