Get Rich, Stay Rich – Emotional Bank Accounts
Two weeks ago I wrote an article called Love Is A Verb. In the comments Roger – A Content Life touched on thinking of love and relationships as bank accounts and I wanted to expand on this thought a bit now.
Emotional bank accounts, this is another Covey metaphor to explain how trust is gained and maintained in a relationship and is another one of my “Ah-ha” moments from his book The 7 Habits of Highly Effective Families. In my opinion this is one of the most powerful ideas on creating and maintaining relationships with others be it co-workers, friends or family members. Our emotional bank account begins with a zero balance and, like a fiscal bank account, you can make deposits or withdrawals.
Emotional Deposits:
- being kind
- apologizing and meaning it
- saying good things about those that aren’t present
- making and keeping promises
- forgiving
Emotional Withdrawals:
- being disrespectful
- putting people down
- being rude and discourteous
- holding grudges
- throwing the past in people’s faces
- not following through on commitments
When we make emotional deposits into a relationship it grows and gets stronger. Our trust, respect and confidence in that person grows and we are more understanding and tolerant of their mistakes when they happen. The flip side to this is continually making withdrawals without having enough in reserve and potentially becoming overdrawn. When this happens it introduces bitterness, resentment and a complete lack of trust. The good news is that this CAN be turned around by making regular deposits.
Here are the 6 major ways of making deposits to an emotional bank account as outlined by Covey.
- Understand the person. To truly understand someone else we must be able to empathize, be willing to take a step back, separate ourselves from our own viewpoint and try walking in the other person’s shoes. Truly listen when they are speaking and avoid getting defensive or becoming distracted with trying to think of what you’re going to say in return. Spend some time figuring out what makes them tick and understand why this relationship is important to them and to you. Only by trying to understand who you are building this relationship with can you know which actions are going to be deposits and which are going to be withdrawals in their emotional bank account.
- Keep commitments. Live with integrity, do what you say you’ll do, and always be true to who you are. Keeping commitments isn’t limited to keeping promises, although that’s a huge component, it is also a demonstration of respect for others you are building relationships with. So show up on time for meetings and appointments, always call if you’re going to be late for dinner, live up to your duties and responsibilities.
- Clarify expectations. It’s nearly impossible to have a relationship thrive and flourish if you don’t know what is expected of you. Imagine showing up to a new job and having your boss expecting you to know how to do something. This is completely unfair and will create a feeling of uneasiness. Ambiguity is detrimental to a relationship especially when it comes to defining roles, delegating responsibility and setting goals. Everyone has different experiences, expertise and capabilities so being up front with what’s expected will save a lot of heartache later on. Some of the expectations Gwynn and I have for our relationship are respect, love, open communication and honesty. We know that these are expected so it’s a lot easier to both be on the same page and honor those expectations.
- Attend to the little things. It’s the little things that mean the most. Everyone likes to know that they matter, that they are important, appreciated and what they do isn’t going unnoticed. A smile, a wave and nice gesture all speak volumes and account for a lot of the more meaningful deposits in our emotional bank accounts. Don’t let an opportunity to say “thank you” or “good job” pass you by, it’s something that’s so simple and when said with sincerity means a lot.
- Show personal integrity. This is the most important way of making a deposit. Relationships are built on honesty and trust and if you can’t be trusted to follow through on your word this will likely be the most damaging withdrawal. It comes back to being true to who you are and doing what you say you are going to do. If you say you’re going to meet for lunch DO IT, if you say you’re going to make dinner DO IT, if you say you’re going to work on improving your relationship DO IT.
- Apologize sincerely. MEAN IT when apologizing for something big or something little. Saying sorry is NOT a sign of weakness. We are all human and we all make mistakes. Admitting your mistakes and being sincerely sorry for them can help both of you get over the incident a lot quicker and move forward. When used appropriately these are deposits. However, it can be a double edged sword. Apology after apology for withdrawal after withdrawal will come across as insincere, another withdrawal. It is a delicate balance but when done sincerely it can help to maintain the balance that you created by implementing the previous points.
Don’t waste another day saying “I should contact Bob” or “I really should do something for Sue” there is no time like the present and it really doesn’t take a lot to make a deposit in their emotional bank account. Don’t forget to keep adding to those strong relationships you have established as well since it’s these continual deposits that have made them so strong in the first place.Take a minute to think of the relationships in your life. Are there any that need to be mended? Are there some that could use a top up?
See also:
Stand Your Ground, But Only On The Important Stuff
Photo courtesy of: shoothead
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Monday is Personal Development day at Serene Journey. We will share with you interesting concepts and ideas that we have learned and give you practical tips on how to apply them to your life. If you have any suggestions for this series feel free to drop us an email or leave them in the comments.
21 Responses to “Get Rich, Stay Rich – Emotional Bank Accounts”
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Thanks for mentioning my comment.
I like all 6 ways to make deposits. I particularly like #4, because it’s so easy to do and represents a great starting point.
Roger – A Content Life’s last blog post..A Tale of Two Homes
I haven’t read Covey’s book yet, but I certainly plan on it after reading this post. I think the idea of an “emotional bank account” is a great one and something we should all spend a lot more time thinking about as we go about our day to day lives. Covey’s deposit ideas are all good ones and I believe everyone could benefit more from thinking about them.
Positively Present’s last blog post..a list of sites that inspire
@ Roger – No worries, I really like this metaphor and wanted to expand on it a bit. Focusing on little things is a good place to start, but I would argue that understanding the person should be first though. Without truly understanding who they are you won’t know what little things they will like. Thanks for your comment here and on the previous post!
@ Positively Present – I agree. Covey’s book the 7 Habits of Highly Effective Families has given us a lot of food for thought and has changed the way we look at a lot of situations in our family. There is also a lot of good advice on bettering yourself and actively building a strong marriage and family. It’s a really great read.
Sherri,
I really like the idea of an emotional bank and your 6 ways to make deposits. The one that spoke to me is Clarify Expectations. That’s the one that makes a lot of sense in relationships, but isn’t often actually DONE. Actually, I’ve really done this in my relationship. I think I’ll set aside some time to do this with my partner. Thanks for suggestion and this was a good post to read:~)
Sara’s last blog post..Story Photo Contest
This is a really great post Sherri, and I learnt a lot from it
If you don’t mind I’d like to link to it in my next post – we’re on more or less the same topics!
Albert | UrbanMonk.Net’s last blog post..Oh No! Comments Policies and Rules!
@ Sara – Welcome! I’m really glad you liked the post and I hope it’s helpful to you in your relationship. It certainly is one thing to read about something and another to put it into practice so good for you for doing it. Thanks for your comment.
@ Albert – I’m glad you liked it and I wouldn’t mind a link from you at all
I look forward to reading your next post.
Hi Sherri,
You know, I’m a Franklin Covey fan too.
The most amazing thing about these 6 items is that if you really live up to them they can transform your relationships and your life.
Thanks for sharing.
Brilliant concept about our emotional bank accounts Sherri.
“Attending to the little things” is one of the most important aspect of a relationship that I try to work very hard on. It feels great to know that the other person notices your little efforts once in awhile.
To me…the little gestures are like our “savings deposit”…meaning each gesture builds up positive “interest rates” and then our reward is when we withdrawal from our savings account, which is a gesture of kindness from the other person.
Reciprocation is huge in a relationship.
I wish I could’ve been blogging with everyone here during my 5 week stay in my country Vietnam, but now I’m back…:-)
Vincent @ Yinnergy’s last blog post..Simple Sundays: March 29, 2009
@ Michael – No worries. This book has really given me a different perspective on family, marriage and relationships I’m thankful to have found it.
@ Vincent – I’m glad you liked the post. Reciprocation is definitely a big part of any relationship good point! Welcome back after 5 weeks away!
Hi, Sherri! I love this post… emotional bank accounts make it easier to remember that we need to keep track: make sure we’re giving more than we’re taking.
I am especially fond of #4, Attend to the Little Things. Whether we are talking about a child, a spouse, a friend, a co-worker, anyone… everyone appreciates it when you take time for the little things that mean the most to them.
Great Post!
Lisis’s last blog post..5 Lessons From My Immigration Ordeal
Hi Sherri,
I like the idea of an emotional bank account. I think everyone can relate to that. I especially liked the first step that you mentioned because it is so true. One of the best things we can do is to understand a person and try to see things as they see things. A lot of times people are saying the same thing but in different ways.
Nadia-Happy Lotus’s last blog post..Tell Me The Truth
what a great article….and i also love the reference to emotional bank account….great metaphor….we need all the tools we can get to work with our relationships wheither they be with ourselves or others….great work….keep it up!!!! and thanks…
darlene
http://visionmapvideo.blogspot.com/
Darlene Siddons’s last blog post..Vision Map Video is Like Life Staging for Empowerment
Emotional banks accounts – so true.
I had a ‘friend’ once who was big into withdrawals and deposited very little. It was so draining. In the end, I had to go my own way. It was a hard thing to do, but also a good lesson for me. It really made me aware of how my own actions and commitments affect others.
Thanks for the post; I enjoyed it!
Laurie | Express Yourself to Success’s last blog post..Criticism and Feedback Aren’t the Same
@ Lisis – I really did like this analogy and the little things in life do mean the most. Remembering to do the little things that matter to the other person is key.
@ Nadia – Truly understanding someone is one of the more difficult things to do. It can take a lot of time with some people but in the end it is so worth it. Like you say sometimes you’re saying the same thing just in different ways. Gwynn and I have pretty well got each other figured out after nearly 17 years together
@ Laurie – Good for you for doing the hard thing and ending the ‘friendship’. It is extremely draining to try and maintain a relationship with a negative person who is big into withdrawals.