Stand Your Ground, But Only On The Important Stuff

Every now and then Sherri and I butt heads over some small ridiculous thing. When our opinions differ we become stuck trying to convince each other that our way is the right way. In the past this has caused a fair bit of tension between us as we bunker down defending our view while attacking the others’.

These days we catch ourselves and ask…

On a scale from 1 to 10 how strongly do you feel about this?

We then both honestly answer that question. Here are the 3 possible outcomes:

1. It’s important to neither of us. Our honest answer to this little question has helped us realize that sometimes we disagree on things that aren’t important to either of us. We sometimes just get stuck wanting to be right but we don’t really care about the outcome. This doesn’t happen too often but when it does we find that we can move past the disagreement very quickly.
2. It’s important to one of us. This tends to be the most common outcome. If something is more important to the other person then we will go with their answer. This doesn’t mean you have to agree with their answer or that you’ve somehow lost. Instead, you both win if you’re able to move forward and get past the disagreement.
3. It’s important to both of us. There are times when we both feel very strongly about our own view, although these are rare. This question is still relevant even though it doesn’t allow us to immediately move on. Having gone through this exercise before we know that we can go with a different view from our own and things usually work out anyway.

Here’s an example…

When painting our basement recently, we looked at many colors. Sherri leaned towards gray and I liked blue. Let the head butting begin! We each bunkered down and held our positions. After a while it clicked. On a scale from 1 to 10 how strongly did we feel about this? Sherri – 6. Me – 8. So we went with blue. (My vote for 8 was because I really find gray depressing and it can affect my mood – so this is something I felt quite strongly about.) In the end, we painted the basement some sort of tan color so the disagreement in color didn’t matter anyway. We were able to move forward.

Here are some tips when trying this out:

• Be honest. Give an honest answer to the question. Manipulating your vote will make this exercise meaningless and you won’t be any further ahead than when you started.
• Give and take. Be willing to go with the other viewpoint. Trust me, the other person will catch on if every time you answer 10 to this question.
• Listen first. Give the other person the chance to fully explain their viewpoint, then explain your own. Only when you fully understand where the other person is coming from can you work towards a solution that works for both. 
• Truly listen. Listen so that you can explain their view in your own words. You may find that you’ve misunderstood what they were saying all along and you actually agree with each other (Sherri and I are masters at passionately agreeing with each other).
• Does it really matter. What’s the worst thing that could happen if you don’t go with your own viewpoint?  Does it really matter?

Sometimes we get so stuck on being right that our relationships tend to suffer. A lot of time there is no right way to do something just variations of a way to do it. By asking the simple question “On a scale from 1 to 10 how strongly do you feel about this?” you take the need for being right out of the equation.

Photo courtesy of: Zach Klein

See also:

Grab the Reigns and Enjoy Your Life

Is Keeping Score Making You Unhappy?

Don’t Worry, Be Happy!