Is Keeping Score Making You Unhappy?

Do you keep an internal score of the small “wrongs” that are committed against you? Somebody did blah to me so I’m going to do blah back to them to make things even. You did this or didn’t do that so now you owe me. An eye for an eye.

Well guess what? Keeping score doesn’t make you happy. Over the long run it leads to anger and resentment. It causes you to live in the past and robs people of their ability to make things right since only you know the current score.

So what can you do?Not keep score.

Answer the question does it really matter? This is going to sound morose but it’s a useful way of getting perspective. Imagine laying on your death bed, many years from now, looking back upon your life. Will whatever’s on your scoreboard matter?

If not, what would happen if you let it go? Don’t think of it as letting the other person get away with it but rather focus on yourself. Will you personally benefit from not keeping score?

My experience – the past

It sounds ridiculously absurd now but a while ago I used to keep score for vacuuming the carpets, walking the dogs, and paying the bills – just to name a few examples. I knew when I did something last and would internally have an expectation that my wife would do it next time. That’s only fair right?

When I would do something for a second or third time in a row I would start to feel upset. I would think “Why do I have to do this again”. Even when she took her turn the score wasn’t quite even.

You know, I can’t really imagine this being an issue on my death bed. “Before I go…there’s one more thing I have to say…you still have to do the dishes 2 more times…and then we’re even.”

My experience – Now

These days I don’t keep score. If things need to be done I’ll be the one jumping up to do them. It’s my chance to serve my family. Thinking this way has helped me get rid of any petty feelings of unfairness. If I’ve changed the kids diaper’s 10 times in a row then that’s what I do to be a good dad. Who’s turn is it next? Mine – every time, and I’m honestly okay with that.

This shift in thinking makes me happier and it certainly makes my wife happier too! When discussing this with my wife I realized that we were both keeping scoreboards, just with different things. The funny thing is that I would have been happy to do the things she was keeping score for and visa-versa.

Photo courtesy of bravenewtraveler